Caring for Carleigh

Meeting Our Babies

2012-01-25T14:06:00.001-05:00

This week on Walking With You, we will be sharing about the birth of our babies and the moments we spent with our children after they were born. Feel free to join in and link up HERE. (My WWY post from 2009 on Meeting Our Babies is HERE.)

I was 36 weeks pregnant when I had an ultrasound that helped me make the decision to proceed with an induction for Carleigh. It certainly wasn’t an easy decision to make. Her growth was behind and I feared that she might not make it to my due date. After talking with my dr the date for my induction was set for March 27, 2009, when I would be 37 weeks. That next week went by so quickly.

We prepared last minute things the night before and my parents came down to go to the hospital with us in the morning. Surprisingly, I slept really well. I even remember that I ate waffles for breakfast that morning. On the ride to the hospital Carleigh gave me one last gift-hiccups! It was the last time that I felt them and it made me smile.

We arrived at the hospital and checked in. The Pitocin was started around 8am. We had a birth plan we had given the unit ahead of time so everything was well prepared for us. Our family and friends gathered throughout the day and I allowed them in and out of the room since I wasn’t in any pain. My friend and photographer, Ashley, arrived closer to noon and stayed with us the rest of the time to take pictures during labor, delivery, and the moments after. (In this post I’ll be sharing pictures I have shared before and pictures I haven’t shared on my blog.)

It was around 7 pm that I had to make a decision to either stop the Pitocin and restart it the next day or have my dr break my water. This was another hard decision to make because I knew that if my water was broken it would increase the likelihood of Carleigh not surviving the birth but stretching out my labor for several days could also not be good for her. I have never mentioned this before but one of my deciding factors was that my friend Ashley wouldn’t be able to stay and take pictures for us if we drug out my labor over several days. I knew having the pictures she would take would be very important. So I told my dr to break my water. I don’t regret my decision.

After my water was broken I finally began to make make some progress and the contractions got stronger. I ended up getting an epidural and we just waited for me to progress far enough to push. I checked Carleigh’s heart beat through the doppler at about 2 am. It was still beating in the 140’s but fainter. I prayed for her to hold on. My nurse checked it not long after I did and it was the same. That was the last time I heard her heart beating.

Around 3:30 am my dr came in to check on me and it was time to push. Things moved quickly as the nurses got things ready. Ashley got ready and Anthony called my friend Lindsey who was a few minutes away to come in to videotape. This was the moment we waited months for and it was both exciting and scary. We didn’t know what to expect. We didn’t know if she’d be born alive but we hoped that she would.

Carleigh was born at 3:49 am. Anthony cut her cord and she was placed on my chest. My beautiful baby. My nurse checked for her heart beat but she was gone. I already knew. In the moment though it didn’t matter at all. All that mattered was that she was in my arms. The peace that was in that room that day passes any understanding. I can tell you though that I have never felt closer to Heaven than in that moment.

I didn’t cry at all but Anthony did. I just gazed at her and kissed her and took as much of her in as I could in those moments. About 45 minutes after she was born Anthony went and told our families, which was an emotional moment. We had our parents come back first and then slowly everyone else came to meet our baby girl.

We weighed Carleigh (3lbs 15 oz) and then I gave Carleigh to my nurse to give her a bath right next to my bed. She took such great care of her but I wish now I would have bathed her myself as that would have been such special moments I could have experienced. After her bath I dressed her and then let family and friends take turns holding her. We got prints and impressions of her hands and feet and measured her (13 1/2 in). Our pastor dedicated Carleigh for us even though she had already passed. It was important for us to do that.

Once I got the feeling back in my legs and was able to stand and walk we moved to our postpartum room. Carleigh and I snuggled in bed and slept. Our family came back the next day to spend more time with us. My postpartum nurse helped me change Carleigh’s dressing on her head and get a lock of hair. We spent the rest of our time in the hospital just holding her and loving on her.

Getting ready to leave the hospital was so hard. We had planned on the funeral director coming and picking up Carleigh but I wanted to leave the hospital with her and take her to the funeral home myself. With the ok from the funeral director we were able to get it arranged. I changed her outfit before we left and just cried. It was the first time since her birth I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears because I was so sad that soon I would have to hand her over.

I was able to walk out of the hospital with my baby in my arms. I can’t tell you how glad I am that I didn’t have to walk out with empty arms. I carried Carleigh wrapped in her fuzzy pink blanket and waited with my nurse while Anthony brought the car up front. My nurse and I hugged and cried and then I walked out the door with my daughter and made the drive to the funeral home.

The drive to the funeral home was much too short. I didn’t want to go in. I didn’t want to have to do this but I had to. When we were inside we sat on the couch and spent some last minutes with her. We kissed her and told her we loved her through our tears. Then I handed her over to the funeral director. It was hands down the most difficult moment of my entire life and it literally broke my heart. After she was out of my arms I broke down and just sobbed as Anthony held me. I’ve never cried so hard in my life as I did then. It was hard to breathe. Anthony escorted me back to our car and we drove home forever changed.

~~~~~

My advice to any parent who is preparing for the birth of their baby to get as many keepsakes as you can. Take as many pictures as you can. There is no such thing as having too many keepsakes or pictures (ask about NILMDTS). These things will be all you have aside from memories to remember your baby. Even if you think you don’t want these things please get them anyway! You only have one chance and then it is gone forever. So many parents wish they would have taken at least one picture or had something tangible to remember their baby by.

Journal your experience because as time passes the small details begin to fade.

Life is sacred

2012-01-24T22:51:00.000-05:00

Back in 1984, President Ronald Regan designated January 22, 1984 as the first National Sanctity of Human Life Day. The date was chosen to coincide with the 11th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade. (I sure wish he could be our President again!) Every year it has fallen on the third Sunday in January and has been declared since by Presidents George HW Bush and George W Bush but not Clinton or Obama.

I actually didn’t realize it was this past Sunday until my husband came home with our church bulletin (Lainey was sick so she and I stayed home) and there was a flyer about it. Seeing the flyer made me think about how precious life is. Every life matters and every life is sacred, even if some people don’t realize it or believe it.

Of course, when such a day like this exists people tend to think of abortion. As natural, people posted about the day and people commented. Some of the comments I saw were hateful toward women who chose abortion. It makes me shake my head how people can be so judgmental, but I can’t totally blame them because I used to have my own judgments. Then I had an abortion and I realized that not all women who have abortions are horrible people. Many are good people who either don’t know or feel like they have no other choice. Some are women who are forced by a loved one. Others are loving mothers who are making an impossible choice.

People think of abortion as a horrible, unthinkable act or a woman’s right to choose. It may be something they don’t even think about because they’ll never have to worry about it. You never know where your life is going to take you or the circumstances you will find yourself in. You can’t possibly predict the decisions you will make. Abortions happen in both wanted and unwanted pregnancies. They happen to babies who are loved.

I am a big advocate for educating women about abortion. The more informed a woman is then they are likely to make a better choice. We can’t necessarily depend on clinics to give women the right information. This is one of the purposes of sharing Jordan’s story. Women need to know how abortion can affect you. It isn’t an easy way out but a difficult path that is with you the rest of life.

I won’t ever tell a woman what path she needs to choose as that is a personal decision only she can make. I will gently guide her and share my own stories. I won’t ever tell a woman she is horrible for having an abortion because chances are she’s feeling the heavy chains of regret and guilt. I don’t want to be responsible for bringing her down further.

Sometimes when a baby is aborted it isn’t always just the baby that is lost. Sometimes it is the mother and even the father. Only God can restore what is lost but I pray that as a society we reach out to the hurting instead of pushing away.

2011 ornaments

2012-01-18T16:25:00.001-05:00

I thought I’d share the ornaments I received this year from various exchanges and BLMs. I had wanted to buy an ornament myself this year but never got around to it but that’s ok because I received many wonderful ornaments this year.

Thank you to everyone who sent me an ornament (you know who you are).

Waiting

2012-01-16T15:47:00.001-05:00

This week for Walking with You we are sharing our experience after we heard the news that changed our lives. (You can read my 1st WWY post about it here.)

If you are a mother who has heard the words incompatible with life, what happened next for you? Share about the waiting if your journey continued. How did you walk that path? What were some of your feelings? What did you do to form lasting memories? What were your struggles? Things you found comfort in?

We received our diagnosis on December 15, 2008. We left for our family vacation to Hawaii on December 19th, one we had planned for 3 years. The days in between were some of the most difficult I have faced. I cried a lot and I looked up as much information that I could about anencephaly-facts, articles, stories from other parents, and even pictures (which I would not recommend). My mom came down for those days and stayed with us to help out with my daughter. I would listen to several songs over and over and just cry. Why must this be my path? I trusted God and I had some level of acceptance about it but it still felt so unfair. I didn’t want my daughter to die.

I think one of the best things that happened for us was going on vacation. It was so good to get away and just leave reality behind. We had decided to not worry about what we would have to face but just enjoy our time in Hawaii. Everything could wait until we got back.

We did have an appointment with a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist before we left on our trip. It was sort of a second opinion kind of thing even though I knew it wouldn’t tell us anything different. The appointment was a waste of time. The genetic counselor was joke (I knew more about anencephaly in my few days of research that she seemed to know!) and the dr only really gave termination as an option. My decision was made after the initial diagnosis and I was carrying my daughter to term no matter what anyone said, even my husband.

When we got back from our vacation I decided to start making prearrangements for the funeral. I was able to find a funeral home that was so very nice to us. We met with them several times before Carleigh was born to finalize everything. Our pastor went with us for support (God bless him). I think the hardest part out of all the arrangements was opening up the catalog to look at baby caskets. It was the only time I cried during the planning. Caskets that small shouldn’t have to exist and just imagining my daughter in one of them was too much.

I also decided to start a blog for several reasons. I’m so thankful that I did. It has not only helped me in many ways but other people too. This blog will always remain as a testament to my daughter’s life. She lived, if only inside of me, and her life will always matter even when I am gone. Her story will be here for other families going through the same or a similar path.

I didn’t pray or read the Bible very much while I carried Carleigh. Not because I didn’t have faith or was angry, but because I felt such closeness with God that it didn’t seem necessary. It sounds weird to put it like that. I learned quickly that I had no control over the fate of my daughter. Her life was in His hands and I had to trust in that. I am a planner by nature so not knowing what was ahead of us could have been very frustrating for me but God gave me the peace even among the hurt to enjoy my daughter. I can’t put into words how thankful I am for that.

When we got Carleigh’s diagnosis I was 22 weeks pregnant. I made the decision to induce at 37 weeks. I knew for 15 weeks that my daughter would die. Would I take any of it back? Certainly not. I wish that I would have done more. Taken more photos. Created more memories. You only get one chance. I am thankful for the things I did do while she was with me.

We got a 3D/4D ultrasound, which was so amazing. I treasure the video from this session very much as it is the only footage I have of my daughter alive. I remember smiling through the entire session. I was so happy to see her move and she had such chubby cheeks!

We got maternity photos through NILMDTS. I had never had them done before but I knew it was important to get them. After I got them I wish I had done maternity photos with my first daughter because those photos we got when I was pregnant with Carleigh are so special and capture a very special time in our lives, one of both joy and sorrow.

Our pastor’s wife threw us a prayer shower. We had food and cake (so yummy!) and we had guests bring bottles of change to donate to our local women’s center in honor of Carleigh. A few songs were shared and scriptures spoken. Prayers were prayed over us and our pastor anointed me. The prayers of so many on this journey meant the world to us and we felt them!

I had a belly casting party with a few high school friends and they helped me create belly cast, which is such a wonderful keepsake. I never imagined doing one before but a friend gifted me with a casting kit. I also never thought it would come to mean as much as it does to me. It took me over 2 years to finally get it painted. My friend Stephanie at Beyond Words Designs painted it for me and did such a beautiful job, even better than I imagined. Carleigh’s prints are even positioned on the inside of the cast where she laid in my belly.

I truly believe God carried us the entire time from the moment we got the diagnosis to the time of her birth and even beyond. I can’t explain how we handled things so well and had so much joy when we should have been so sad. Of course, there were times of tears and sadness but I’m so glad those moments didn’t overshadow the time we had left with her. I never wanted my pregnancy with her to be tainted with darkness but with light. She was and continues to be a light in our lives. A blessing, a gift from God that I will always be thankful for. I have said it before but I would rather have known her this way than to have never known her at all. I can’t imagine my life without her in it.

First Steps

2012-01-12T14:22:00.002-05:00

For the first of this series of Walking with You we are sharing those first moments when our lives changed forever, whether you found out your baby died or that your baby wouldn't live. Please feel free to join in and link up over at the Sufficient Grace blog.

I know I will always remember the day our lives changed forever. (You can read a more in depth version HERE.) It was December 15, 2008 and I was 22 1/2 weeks pregnant. I was expecting another little girl and we had named her Carleigh McKenna. At this point we thought everything was fine and we expected nothing but a normal pregnancy. It turned out to be anything but normal.

That afternoon I had my midway ultrasound and my best friend was in the room with me like she had been for many of my ultrasounds. We chatted and smiled the entire time watching my daughter on the screen. At the time I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary both on the screen and in the demeanor of my ultrasound tech (who was also my coworker and friend) but looking back I can now see that something wasn't right. I got my ultrasound pictures and went home just as happy as can be.

I walked in the door after picking up my other daughter from the sitter and the phone is ringing. I answered it and it was my doctor. There was something concerning on the ultrasound and she needed me to come into the office today no matter what time it was. I knew immediately that it wasn't good and my mind concocted all sorts of scenarios of what could be wrong. I called my husband and told him what had happened and to see if he could meet me at the office as he was still at work. I called my best friend to see if she was still at work to check on my ultrasound report but she had already left. I packed up a bag and my daughter and I were out the door.

I arrived at the hospital where the doctor's office was. It is also the place where I work. My husband hadn't arrived yet so I looked up my ultrasound report. I skimmed the report until I saw the world 'anencephalic'. I knew immediately what it meant. Our daughter was going to die and there was nothing we could do about it. In that moment several emotions were all bombarding each other. Amidst the shock and the devastation there was a calm and I know it came from God. In that moment when I saw that word I think time stood still for a fraction of a second. Kinda like in the movies when they make all those horrible scenes happen really slow. It's kinda like that. I honestly didn't know what to do next.

I made my way to meet my husband but I didn't tell him what I knew. I still had a small hope that it was all wrong and that everything would be ok. That hope was soon dashed when it was confirmed by my doctor that our daughter had anencephaly.

It's hard for me to convey in words the reality of that day and what it was like to experience it in my shoes. It is a lot to take in and it hurt but I am amazed at the covering of God's grace that day. I don't know how I just didn't break down into one big mess. I did cry and in the days that followed. They were tears of sadness and broken dreams. I wanted my girls to be close and age and I was given that and now it was being taken away from me. I never imagined that this would happen to me. I never wanted it to but I am so glad that she happened.

~~~~~

There are many resources on my Helpful Links page that I have compiled for various situations-fatal/poor prenatal diagnosis, pregnancy and infant loss, medical termination, and much more.

~~~~~

Pray for the many ministries out there helping grieving parents get through tough times and allowing them to find healing.

Walking with You coming up!

2012-01-06T17:23:00.003-05:00

Next Monday starts up Walking with You hosted by Sufficient Grace Ministries. We last participated in this in 2009 and I will be participating again. To learn more about it please CLICK HERE.

Dear Carleigh

2012-01-03T14:20:00.001-05:00

I don’t often write letters to you anymore mostly because time is a thing it seems I keep having less and less of. It’s a busy world that’s for sure. But Faces of Loss encouraged us to write a letter this month. I figured why not just do it today?

We just entered another year and it’s hard to believe sometimes that in just a couple months you would be 3 years old. I’d love to know what a 3 year old you would look and act like. Lord knows I’ve been missing you every day since you left us. My eyes long to see your face again. My arms ache to feel your touch. If only I could kiss those sweet cheeks just one more time…

This past year I have come to accept that not everyone will remember you like I do and that’s ok. I’ll always hold you in my heart. The whole world could forget about you but I never would and that’s all that matters. I held you the closest while you lived and I will hold you the closest until I die.

I have also accepted that it’s ok that I don’t visit the cemetery as often as I did. It used to bring me so much comfort to go and while it still does, it isn’t as important as it once was. I do still like to bring you pretty things though and give you new flowers. I want to always do that, even if I live to 90. If I can’t walk I’ll get me one of those power chairs. Wouldn’t that be a sight!?

My heart has healed some more over the past year but no amount of time will ever make it completely better. I know that it is ok to be happy and go on without you. I don’t feel like it’s leaving you behind because that is impossible for me to do. You can never be completely in my past because you continue to be my present and you are my future.

I know in my heart you are ok up in Heaven but I still wonder how you are. What do you do up there? Can you see me down here? Can you feel my love? Do you know how much I miss you? I hope you do.

Love always,
Mommy

January Babies

2012-01-01T14:50:00.004-05:00

♥ Remembering those babies with special days in January ♥

Luisa ~ January 1, 2011
Snowflake ~ January 2, 2011
Little Bean ~ January 3, 2008
Zoelle ~ January 4, 2009
Erin ~ January 6, 2009
Sweetpea ~ January 6, 2011
Harvey ~ January 6, 2009

Lukas ~ January 7, 2009

Eli & Jett ~ January 10 , 2009
Elisha ~ January 13, 2009
Levi ~ January 14, 2009
Claudia ~ January 15, 1985
Harley ~ January 15, 2008
Emma ~ January 15, 2009
Grace ~ January 15, 2010
Hudson ~ January 16, 2009
Cameron ~ January 17, 2009
Ethan ~ January 24, 2005
Timothy ~ January 25, 2011
Christian ~ January 26, 2007
Ethan ~ January 27, 2007
Terry ~ January 27, 2007
Isabella ~ January 30, 2010
Heidi ~ January 31, 2009
Logan & Brody ~ January 31, 2009

I'm sorry if you're baby is not on this list. Please leave a comment to have your baby added.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas to those celebrating on Earth and in Heaven.

Winners

2011-12-22T14:38:00.001-05:00

Thank you to everyone who entered the giveaways for my day on the 25 Days of Giveaways. And now the winners!!

Giveaway #1 – $10 GC to My Forever Child -- Gottjoy!

Giveaway #2 – Crystal Heart Ornament -- MK

Giveaway #3 – Round Ornament -- Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say

Giveaway #4 – $10 GC to The Midnight Orange -- Hope

Giveaway #5 – swan sculpture -- Bethany

Giveaway #6 – $10 GC to Somewhere Over The Rainbow -- Kristi

Giveaway #7 – $10 GC to Mountin Designs -- Sarah

Giveaway #8 – I Love You hands -- Megan & Jus and Kat

Giveaway #9 – $10 GC to Best Art Studios – alliecat

Congrats to all the winners!! If you are a winner please email me at caring4carleigh@yahoo.com. If I end up not hearing from someone I will choose a new winner.

There is also a giveaway going on today at my Caring for Carleigh FB page.

Winter flowers

2011-12-21T14:46:00.001-05:00

On Sunday I finally was able to get to the cemetery and put up Carleigh’s winter flowers. They are the same ones as last year but we used them again since they were still in really good condition.

I did get a purple stocking for her too but the girls got a hold of it and it went missing. We’ve tried to find it but they must have hid it somewhere good. I’m sure it’ll turn up eventually.

So far this season has been good emotionally. I’ve had a few moments though here and there. Christmas is my favorite holiday so I have always enjoyed this time of year. I know it is difficult for many who have lost children. We imagine them opening presents and having fun with family. We wish they could help decorate the tree and sing Christmas songs. We know the holidays would be so much brighter if they were here. I hope that during this time of year that everyone can find something to bring them a little joy.

25 Days of Giveaways

2011-12-20T00:00:00.000-05:00

This is my 3rd year participating in the 25 Days of Giveaways and I’m excited to be doing this again. Thank you Tina at Living without Sophia and Ellie for hosting this wonderful event. I always jump at the opportunity to have a giveaway because I enjoy them so much! This year I decided to give away things from some of my favorite shops (in no particular order).

Giveaway #1

My first favorite shop is My Forever Child. Sue has so many pieces to offer and if you don’t see something you like just let her know and she’ll work with you to create what you envision. (I’ve worked with her several times on pieces for my friends and she has done a fabulous job!) I have many pieces that I have come to cherish from here, especially my custom hand/footprint jewelry. I’ve also given away many pieces here on this blog. I believe that every mom should have a piece of memorial jewelry to remember her child whether it be a ring, bracelet, pin, or necklace. So I would like to give away a $10 gift certificate to My Forever Child.

Giveaway #2

My friend Sue from My Forever Child has generously donated a Personalized Crystal Heart Ornament in gold. The front and/or back can be personalized with names, dates, scripture verse, or a special saying. It comes hung on a white satin ribbon. These are new this year in the shop along with several other ornaments. Thank you Sue!

Giveaway #3

My friend Sue from My Forever Child has generously donated a Personalized Round Ornament in gold. This ornament features the My Forever Child signature baby feet in teardrop heart, image engraved into the ornament. The front of the ornament is engraved in Cursive font with, "So Softly You Tiptoed Into Our World, But What An Imprint You Left Upon Our Hearts". The back can be personalized with names, dates, scripture verse, or a special saying. It comes hung on a red satin ribbon. These are new this year in the shop along with several other ornaments. Thank you Sue!

Giveaway #4

My second favorite shop is The Midnight Orange. D. Antonia is a wonderful sculptor and friend and her pieces are just gorgeous. I got my first piece back in 2009 but didn’t become an active collector until March 2011. I honestly don’t know why I waited so long because I love collecting them! I know many people who also admire her work but have yet to get one. D. Antonia has generously donated a $10 gift certificate to The Midnight Orange. Thank you so much!!

Giveaway #5

This sculpture from The Midnight Orange is called To Safe Passage and I actually purchased this as part of my personal collection but I would like to pass it on to someone else as I plan to get a purple one in the future. The description of this piece is from D. Antonia, “Swans represent a lot of different things to me. For these pieces I want to depict that they are carrying these babies from this world to the next. I find the sorrow in their posture and their silent grace are perfect for their special passengers.”

Giveaway #6

My third favorite shop is owned by my friend Katy. She has generously donated a $10 gift certificate to her shop Somewhere Over The Rainbow. This shop offers a variety of items pregnancy and infant loss items and I personally have the Custom Baby Memorial Plaque and the Wooden Memory Box. Thank you Katy!

Giveaway #7

My fourth favorite shop is Mountin Designs. This shop has items related to loss such as memorial stepping stones, wall art, and ornaments. My personal favorite is the stepping stones. I just love them and one day I want to get one for myself. I am giving away a $10 gift certificate to Mountin Designs.

Giveaway #8

My fifth favorite shop is MoonlightAura. Krystal specializes in sign language sculptures and her designs are very unique. She has several sculptures that I believe really reflect loss, such as her Heart-Shaped Hands Sculpts. Her Butterfly Landing Sculpture is also precious. One of my favorite pieces from her shop (and that I also own) is her I Love You sign language sculpture. I am giving away a pearl and a silver I Love You sign language sculptures similar to the ones picture below.

Giveaway #9

My sixth favorite shop is Best Art Studios. I just love this art shop and while I haven’t bought anything for myself yet I definitely plan to in the future. Jaime’s art is so unique and beautiful and I just love the trees that she paints. Her line Heartache and Poetry is very moving and I find I can relate it directly to losing a child. (And I love it when they have their 50% off sales!) I am giving away a $10 gift certificate to Best Art Studios.

These giveaways are open to all BLMs. You must be a BLM in order to enter these giveaways. To enter, just leave a comment with one of your favorite memories of your baby. I think during this season we all deserve to feel a little joy and I believe remembering something good does that. These giveaways will remain open until December 31st at 11:59 pm EST so that everyone in different time zones has a chance to enter. The winner will be announced the following day.

Wishing everyone a gentle and merry Christmas.

9 years

2011-12-19T22:44:00.001-05:00

Today it has been 9 years since I made the choice to end my pregnancy at the age of 19. I can’t believe that it’s been that long already.

I don’t like thinking about that day very much because it is one of my lowest moments and not something I’m proud of. There’s so many emotions wrapped up in that decision and the aftermath of it. I could never put them all into words adequate enough to show people who have never experienced it what it is like. The whole experience opened my eyes and made me a less judgmental person. I became a girl with a scarlet letter and I still wear it. I’ll always wear it.

I’ve often wished I could go back and make a different choice but then where would I be today? I don’t think I would be who I am right now and I am happy with the person that I am. All of my mistakes have shaped me and while I would adamantly call my abortion the biggest mistake of my life I am torn in wishing I could take it back and finding peace with my decision.

I am in a good place though thanks to the bible study Forgiven & Set Free and God’s healing touch. While I still have regret and guilt, it does not consume me and I am so thankful for that. I remember when I was so weighed down by what I had done and how that felt and I never want to feel like that again. It didn’t feel like me.

No matter how you lose a child, certain things stay with you-certain memories stand out. There is quite a bit that is hazy to me from that time but I’ll never forget walking in and then out of that clinic. I felt shame and relief. Such an odd mix of emotions.

There was a period of time (5 years to be exact) that I tried to forget it even happened, but you can’t push something like that away. I couldn’t forget my baby no matter how hard I tried. It was only after I became a mother to a living baby that I realized my first baby deserved more. My baby deserved a name so I chose the name Jordan Leigh since at that time I did not have a feeling if my baby was a boy or girl so I chose something gender neutral. Jordan most likely would have been born at the end of July.

Today, I think of you, my sweet Jordan, and I’m wishing you a happy birthday in Heaven. I’m sure you were waiting with your arms open wide for your sister Carleigh. I imagine you two up there having so much fun together. I’m just glad you have each other until I can get there too. Mommy loves you.

3 years from D-Day

2011-12-16T21:45:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, December 15, 2011, was 3 years since we received Carleigh’s fatal diagnosis. (In case you are wondering D-Day is what many of us anen mommies call our diagnosis day.)

The day went fine and I actually didn’t think about it too much. I did reflect a little though. While I remember exactly what happened from my ultrasound on, I find it harder to remember all the emotions I was feeling then compared to 2 years ago or even last year. I guess that’s just a part of time moving on. Reading previous posts about that day help to remind me and I’m glad that I wrote it down.

December 15th doesn’t hold the sting that it used to even just 3 years out but I will always remember this day every year it comes around. I could never forget the day our lives changed forever. One moment we were happy and excited about meeting another little girl and the next moment we were devastated that she’d never come home with us. Can you ever completely recover from that?

It still baffles me how well I handled that day. I can’t explain it other than it was a God thing. I should have been a complete mess but I felt covered in calm, even though there were times I felt like screaming and crying. Don’t be mistaken, there were tears. Tears of shattered dreams. Tears for a life that would be cut too short. Tears of a momma’s broken heart. Those tears still fall today for my little girl.

I never imagined when I woke up that morning that my whole world was going to change. But what if I did know? Would I change anything? I don’t think that I would. Changing something would mean changing my daughter and I just can’t imagine that. To me, she is perfect. Many people may not see it, but I see her with a mother’s heart. The love a mother has for her child is one of the deepest loves a woman can experience. I’m glad I got to experience that with her.

Christmas giveaways

2011-12-05T11:09:00.001-05:00

Click the buttons to check out some of these Christmas giveaways and tutorials too!

Illuminate ~ Week 4 ~ Inspiration

2011-12-04T18:34:00.001-05:00

This week for Illuminate we searched for letters and then took pictures to make a word. This word is one we had to choose to be a theme for us in the upcoming year. The writing is about the future and how things might look say a year from now.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t worry too much about the future because your whole life can change in a moment. Plans you have made can take a totally different path than what you were expecting or wanting. I never thought that I would be where I’m at today. The facts are horrible to face. My daughter was diagnosed with a fatal disorder and she was born still over 3 months later. But when I read those words I don’t really see something terrible. I recall the precious time I spent with her, the memories we made, her day and night gymnastics in my belly, the joy I feel to this day of being her mom. I want to always remember these things.

It doesn’t matter if it is a day, a month, or a year from now as I want to always be able to cherish the moment. Sometimes I don’t always do that but I embrace it more than I ever did before my daughter died. I want to always feel so blessed for what I have been given. They say God gives and God takes away. I do believe that to a degree but I find it hard to apply that to the death of my daughter. God did give me a beautiful daughter but I don’t feel He took her away from me. Maybe it’s because she really isn’t gone forever. She is just away from us for a time until we are reunited again. I hate that we have to have a lifetime apart but I look forward to the day when we are together again.

Is there anything that I can change in this next year? Well, I can’t control many things in this life but the one thing I can control is myself and how I behave and react to situations and to people. In this aspect, I would like to do better.

When thinking of a word that I might try to have as a so-called motto for the next year I had a hard time deciding. I know people who have done the one word thing but I never did it until this assignment. I guess I just didn’t like the idea of one word summing up who I would want to be. I think there’s so much more to me than what one word could describe. So I tried to think of a word that could encompass many different areas of myself. I came up with just a few but one stood out above the others: SERVE.

There are many ways that I can serve. I can serve my patients at work, my family, my friends, those in need, and most importantly I can serve God with my heart.

It isn’t always easy to have a servant’s heart though. My own selfish nature goes against serving others. But there is Someone I can model myself after who is the greatest servant who ever lived and that is Jesus. Jesus is the Son of God but He lived to serve others. He served people who many looked down upon without caring how He would be perceived. He loved others wholly and unconditionally with a pure heart. I want to serve like that.

God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. 1 Peter 4:10

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. Galatians 5:13

I think my daughter Carleigh instilled in me a will to serve. My own experience made me want to help others, especially other families who have lost a baby. I hope that in this next year to be able to serve in many more ways.

December Babies

2011-12-02T15:53:00.004-05:00

♥ Remembering those special babies who came in December. ♥

Little Muffin ~ December 1, 2007
Hailey ~ December 1, 2009
Jayce ~ December 2, 2008
Rachel ~ December 3, 2010
Oliver ~ December 4, 2010
Rainbow ~ December 10, 2009
Gracie ~ December 10, 2009
Lily ~ December 12, 2008
Macsen ~ December 14, 2007
Charlie ~ December 17, 2009
Lyra ~ December 18, 2009
Jordan ~ December 19, 2002
Trinity ~ December 19, 2005
Sofia ~ December 19, 2010
Lucia ~ December 22, 2008
Anthony ~ December 23, 2006
Laken ~ December 25, 2009
Julia ~ December 25, 2009
Angel ~ December 27, 2009
Juanito ~ December 29, 2009
Janie Beth ~ December 29, 2009

Sorry if your baby is not on the list. Please leave a comment if you would like your baby added.

Illuminate ~ Week 3 ~ Perspective

2011-11-28T18:28:00.001-05:00

I’m a day late posting for Illuminate week 3 but my family and I were gone for the Thanksgiving holiday and I didn’t get home until today. We went to our cabin in Michigan and spent 4 days there. It’s always nice to get away and spend time there.

This week’s assignment is about perspective-in our own lives and through our eyes. The photography part was about taking 100 steps and composing an image and the writing topic is about what we are grateful for.

I’d like to share my stepping journey first. I actually did all my pictures in one day since I spent the rest of my time enjoying my family for the holiday, but I did enjoy my time out alone snapping pictures. I took all of the pictures in the area around our cabin in Michigan but had different starting and ending points. I also edited all the photos in the same way with a more vintage feel because I just liked how it looked compared to the other way I edited the photos (with more softness and brightness, which was neat too but I favored the other-maybe it was a rustic cabin thing! lol).

I think you tend to appreciate the beauty in things more when you slow down and take a look around you. This assignment gave me the opportunity to do that. So often life is busy and I’m rushing around trying to get things done. You can miss so much if you just don’t stop and take in the moment. I think sometimes you have to make a conscious effort to do that because it can be so easy to say “oh, I’ll do it later” or “there’ll always be time for that”. Nobody knows how much time that they have so you have to make the most of it while you can. Cherish the moment while it is still here.

Our lives changed forever on December 15, 2008. Before that day I don’t think I really appreciated what a miracle it is to have a healthy baby. I knew things went wrong but those things happened to other people, not me. I never wanted my daughter to have anencephaly and I sure as heck never wanted her to die. However, I am so grateful that Carleigh is my daughter and if the only way to have her was to have her die then I accept it fully. I would rather have known her this way than to never have known her at all.

One of the things I am so grateful for is knowing ahead of time that she wasn’t going to live. This gave us time to prepare for what we wanted as far as her birth and her funeral. It also gave us the opportunity to make memories we would not have made otherwise. I never imagined it to be a blessing but it certainly was. Had her death been sudden, I would not have known what my rights were regarding the death of my child or the keepsakes that I could have to remember by. I would not have known how priceless pictures would come to be and I fear that I would have taken very few.

I am grateful for the many people who loved and supported us along the way. Family and friends stepped up but we also had the support and prayers of complete strangers. So many followed our journey and offered kind words and sympathy. I’m sure many who followed then do not follow now but I am grateful for every person who has gotten a glimpse of my daughter through my own words and pictures. I like to think a little part of her remains with every person whose life she has touched.

I could go on and on about the little things I am grateful for about our journey and about our daughter. (But I think if I did that this post would never get published!) The fact is I have become more grateful because of her. She opened my eyes as if I was blind before she came. Having your life changed dramatically hasn’t always been easy. Grief is now a chain I will carry all of my life, but I thank God that He helps me carry the chains. Without Him I would have grown weary very quickly but He has given me the strength to carry on without my baby girl. He has shown me that life without my daughter is still a life worth living. He has given me precious gifts to take care of and I believe I see their sister through them.

I’ll always be grateful for this road I have traveled. Of course, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my “this is so unfair!” moments because I certainly have. (I’m sure I still have some more of them up my sleeve too.) At the end of the day though, I am glad she was a part of some of the steps of my life. Those are some of the most cherished moments I will ever have had the privilege to experience.

Illuminate ~ Week 2 ~ Light

2011-11-20T18:01:00.001-05:00

This week’s assignment is about light. We were to think about what the light or darkness meant to us and then we had 2 options in taking photos. I chose to take photos of a treasured object in different light scenarios.

The moment our world forever changed was the day we learned our daughter Carleigh wasn’t going to survive. Some may be surprised for me to say that even in such a difficult time I would not consider it a time of darkness. Light still shone even when it should have been impossible. God gave me the grace to accept the path we had been given even though it hurt so very much. He has kept me focused on the light even in the times when my grief felt heavy. It confounds me when I look back how well I handled everything. Could I handle it in such a manner again if another precious life was taken from me? I pray that I could but just thinking about it overwhelms me.

Perhaps I am more drawn to light because God Himself is a light in my life. I believe if I did not have Him to help get me through the past 2 1/2 years my world would have been very dark.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.
~John 1:5

O Lord, you are my lamp. The Lord lights up my darkness.
~2 Samuel 22:29

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.
~Psalm 119:105

No longer will you need the sun to shine by day, nor the moon to give its light by night, for the Lord your God will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.
~Isaiah 60:19

If you think about it light is amazing. All it takes is just a small amount of light to penetrate darkness. Light overcomes darkness. Darkness never overcomes light-never does it swallow the light. I often think of Heaven where there is no darkness at all. The light of God penetrates every corner. It is hard to imagine a place with no shadows and the glory of such light, but my daughter is experiencing it. How amazing it must be!

This week I looked into different kinds of lighting for my photos and I tried my hand at a bunch of different light settings. Some had lots of light and some had only a small light surrounded by darkness. Naturally, I feel drawn to more pictures with more light but it was fun to see how pictures turned out with just a small amount of light. Of course, I had to make sure the camera was very, very still to avoid blurriness when there was almost no light. I managed to take all of my pictures with no flash but also with no special settings (which is how I usually take them since I still haven’t learned hardly any of the functions on my camera even after having it for 2 years!). I also did minimal editing to all of them.

I decided to use Carleigh’s bear for my subject. This bear was given to me by the Mother Baby Unit when we went into the hospital for my induction. The unit knew ahead of time of our situation as they had our birth plan and this was something special that they did for us and our daughter.

I hope everyone who is suffering in the darkness can find hope in the light, no matter how small it may be.

Illuminate ~ Week 1 ~ Storytelling

2011-11-13T16:09:00.001-05:00

For the next 5 weeks I have the privilege in participating in the online class for photographic healing called Illuminate. I’m very excited for this course and to see what comes out of it. I’ve decided that for this class I’m just going to focus on my daughter Carleigh. I feel my healing for Jordan is much further than it is for Carleigh and I would benefit most by focusing just on her.

This week’s assignment is about storytelling. We are to write a letter to our baby/babies and also take self portraits of our journey. Well, letters can certainly be emotional to write and it wasn’t easy getting the right picture that I felt comfortable enough with that captured what I was feeling in thinking of that pose. But I managed to do as best as I could.

So here goes.

My precious Carleigh,

I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you. It was August 10, 2008 and I was so excited. Your sister was only 7 months old and when I found out you were a girl I couldn’t have been happier because that was what I was hoping for. I wanted to have 2 girls close in age like me and my sister.

I never imagined that you would be diagnosed with something fatal and not be able to come home with us from the hospital. Stuff like that always happened to other people. But it was soon the reality I was facing. It hurt a lot and I cried many tears over it all. I still loved you though and I was going to cherish our time together however long it may be.

I never knew how much joy and sorrow could intertwine before. It’s like a beautiful and bittersweet dance. And you were totally worth it.

I’m thankful at least for the months we had to plan for your arrival. It gave us time to think about what we wanted and to make memories with you along the way. I don’t think we’d have as many keepsakes as we do or been as prepared if we hadn’t had that time. I consider it a blessing.

I’ll never forget seeing you on the 3D ultrasound. It was really the only time I got to meet you alive. (2D ultrasound just isn’t the same!) I don’t think I quit smiling the whole time and I fell even more in love with you. I got to see you kick and move and suck on your fists. I could really see your sister in you!

But seeing you on that screen could never compare to seeing you in my arms even though you were already gone. I didn’t see what was “wrong” with you but I saw pure perfection and beauty. I saw Heaven that day and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.

Those moments with you are some of the most precious in my life and I cherish them so much. Some days I wish I could go back and experience you all over again. Though we got time with you it wasn’t nearly enough. But is there such thing as enough time to last a lifetime? I don’t think there is so I will be thankful for what I had.

Baby girl, I miss you a lot and I wish you were here to grow up with your sisters. I promise they will always know who you are and how special you are to us. People will undoubtedly begin to forget about you as more and more time passes but I will never forget. I still think about you every day even 2 1/2 years later. It is impossible for me to forget you because you are as essential to me as breathing. For the time you lived on this earth you were a part of me and death cannot break that bond.

I love you always and without limits.

Until I see you again,
Mommy

Here are the self-portraits I took.

This picture is me holding the necklace I wear almost every day. It is Carleigh’s cross necklace with her hand/footprint pendant and her baby ring. I often slip her baby ring on my finger like in this picture and rub it. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it.

One of the first pictures I knew I wanted to take was of Carleigh’s belly cast. I created it just a week before her birth and it was painted by Stephanie at Beyond Words Designs over 2 years later. This cast to me captures all the moments she was alive.

Another picture of Carleigh’s necklace only on my chest close to my heart.

The sculpture sitting on my belly is Carleigh’s angel sculpture from The Midnight Orange. It seemed fitting to rest it on my belly since that was were she lived and died.

The butterfly on this flower is from Carleigh’s 2nd birthday cake.

I knew including Carleigh’s memory chest in a picture was important as it holds all of her precious keepsakes. The chest itself is a treasure as it was handmade by my aunt and uncle epically for this purpose. I included my I Love You hand sculpture from MoonlighAura.

This last picture is me holding my Carleigh Bear-weighted to the same weight she was at birth, which was 3 lbs 15 oz. To me, this picture is looking into the light of the future. The hope of seeing her again one day.

Christmas exchanges

2011-11-12T22:15:00.000-05:00

Just thought I’d remind everyone of a few exchanges for Christmas. They involve gifts, cards, and/or ornaments.

2011 Faces of Loss Holiday Gift Exchange – sign-up ends Nov. 25th

Nevaeh’s Hope Exchange – sign-up ends Nov. 18th

Remembering Together Swap 2011 Holiday Edition – sign-up ends Nov. 18th

Christmas Ornament Exchange – sign-up ends Nov. 19th

Christmas Card Exchange – sign-up ends Nov. 20th

Feel free to take part in one, several, or all of them like me!! It’s always nice to get something special in the mail. And a reminder…..only participate if you can actually send something out because you don’t want to disappoint your exchange partner(s).

If anyone knows of any more exchanges feel free to leave in a comment below!

November Babies

2011-11-01T19:50:00.002-04:00

Thinking of all the special November babies! Sending their mommies and families lots of love!

Ella ~ November 1, 2010
Aiden ~ November 2, 2010
Faith & Grace ~ November 3, 1996
Aiden ~ November 6, 2009
Chaya ~ November 6, 2008
Nicholas ~ November 7, 2008
Hannah ~ November 7, 2008
Zach ~ November 7, 2009
Jack ~ November 7, 2009
Calvin ~ November 10, 2008
Madeline ~ November 11, 2009
Baby Boy A & Baby Girl B ~ November 12, 2008
Lillian ~ November 13, 2009
Madeline ~ November 13, 2009
Kenner ~ November 13, 2008
TanaLee ~ November 13, 2009
Faith ~ November 14, 2009
Carly ~ November 15, 2007
Kasey ~ November 16, 2008
Alexandra ~ November 16, 2009
Cara ~ November 17, 2009

Olivia ~ November 20, 2009
Carley ~ November 20, 2010
Trevor ~ November 22, 2004

Alexander ~ November 23, 2008
Kolton ~ November 23, 2010
Jakin ~ November 24, 2010
Xavien ~ November 26, 2009
Matthew ~ November 28, 2009
Logan ~ November 28, 2005
Alyssa-Joy ~ November 29, 2008

If your baby is not on this list I am sorry. Please leave a comment to have them added.

Hello Autumn gift exchange partners

2011-10-31T08:47:00.001-04:00

The partners for the Hello Autumn! Gift Exchange have been picked and are posted below. Thank you to those who are participating! (An email should have been sent to everyone participating.)

Stephanie Desjarlais + Amanda

Kendra + Caroline

Nika + Mattie

Heather + Holly

Natasha + Jill

Sarah + Christi Wilson

Ashley Elder + Karin

Stephanie Dyer + April

Molly + Danielle

Deanna + Mary

Kara + Fran

Just a few reminders…

- $15 limit

- It is up to the partners to get in contact with each other and exchange mailing addresses.

- All items MUST be shipped by November 7th.

There will be a follow up link up that partners may participate in to show off their gift on November 21st.

Spoken Word Blog

2011-10-28T18:19:00.001-04:00

I decided to join in with Angie at still life with circles and many others participating in the Spoken Word Blog Round-up. To me it seemed like a pretty good idea. It’s always fun to hear the voice speaking the words you usually only read yourself. I think it’s neat to see how the voices are different or the same to what you imagined.

I decided to share a poem from a post. I thought I’d have a few minutes to get it in after I picked up the girls from the sitter. Kyndra was playing with dinosaurs at the table and I had Lainey drinking a bottle. Should’ve known one of them would slip in the video. I decided not to re-do the video as it was most likely to happen again and why edit real life, right? This is me and this is what you get!

2012 Lost For Words Calendar

2011-10-27T14:08:00.001-04:00

I’m sure many out there in this community know about Carly and Franchesca and their collaboration with the card line Lost For Words. Each of them makes fabulous cards dealing with the loss of a child. They also happen to make calendars too! Each of them have made a calendar for 2012 and both have been unveiled recently and available for purchase.

Before the unveiling they asked for quotes from babyloss parents and I submitted mine. I was so excited to find out that Carly had picked my quote for the calendar. My month is the June and I simply can’t wait to get one of these calendars to have in my house.

I actually came up with the quote 2 years ago when Kelly was asking to remember our babies for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We could include a small quote for our babies and that is what I came up with for Carleigh.

Thank you Carly for choosing my quote! And thank you both for creating such a beautiful line.

You can purchase Carly’s calendar HERE and Franchesca’s calendar HERE.

Road Trip {meeting another BLM}

2011-10-25T18:05:00.001-04:00

Sunday evening (October 16th) we stopped in Merrillville, IN to stay the night. In the morning, we stopped at a nearby McDonald’s so that I could meet up with my friend and fellow BLM, Dana. I actually met Dana through The Midnight Orange FB page. While we waited for her to arrive, we got some hashbrowns. Once Dana arrived we talked for a bit before it was time to hit the road again. It was so great to meet her! I just love meeting my online friends. Thanks for meeting up with me, Dana!

Wouldn’t it be nice to have my own private jet so that I could travel around the country meeting all my BLM friends!! That would be so awesome!

Sign the petition!

2011-10-25T15:14:00.002-04:00

Please click the box below and sign the petition to expand FMLA coverage to include employees who have experienced the death of a child. As we all know, parents need as much time as they can get to grieve and current bereavement leave is simply not enough time.

My work allows for up to 5 days off for bereavement. If I hadn't had my maternity leave for Carleigh to be off 6 weeks I don't know how I would've handled going back to work so soon. I don't believe I would have been in any shape to go back just 5 days after losing my child. So please help out!!

Road Trip {Lunch & Memorial}

2011-10-24T20:11:00.001-04:00

On Saturday, October 15th we had the lunch that was at another church and was catered by a place called Meatheads. We had BBQ pulled pork and some other things and it was quite good! Of course, Kyndra didn’t eat anything. She’s always picky! The girls did enjoy running around the gym and playing. (Kyndra was playing with the stones she took from our hotel’s landscaping.)

Here is the pamphlet from the memorial that evening. I unfolded it and scanned it. You can click to make larger.

The first event of the evening was at Levee Park in Red Wing, MN. We had a balloon release there.

The next event was the lantern lighting at Central Park in Red Wing. Once we arrived we enjoyed listening to some songs.

Not long after the ceremony started everyone went up and lit them. I got both a lantern and a luminary for my babies Jordan and Carleigh.

I took a picture of Heather and her family. I couldn’t help but notice the Comfort Bear from Sufficient Grace Ministries.

I really like this photo that Heather’s daughter took.

Towards the end of the ceremony it was time for the speakers, which meant it was my turn!! I admit, I was definitely nervous. I have never spoken in front of anyone sharing our story of Carleigh. Anthony says he could tell I was nervous but I eventually settled into a good rhythm. It prolly didn’t help that I was a little chilly! The air wasn’t real cold but there was a crisp breeze that evening. A couple parts I got a little teary but I made it through! I’m so glad that I got to share.

After I shared my story it was Amanda’s turn and then Sherokee Isle spoke. If you’re not familiar with her she wrote the book Empty Arms: Coping After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death. I haven’t read the book but I am sure it is good. She was good at speaking and we were all glad that she had decided to join us that evening and speak. I even got to speak with her after everything was over and I felt better when she said I did a good job speaking.

Wanted to share also a pamphlet about the support offered by Anchored By Hope.

Memorial Road Trip {Meeting BLMs & Dinner}

2011-10-20T16:17:00.001-04:00

On Friday, October 14th we headed toward Madison, WI from my cousin Kate’s house so that I could meet up with Melissa and Alissa. They are fellow BLMs that I have gotten to know on my own journey through loss. We met up at a Panera Bread there and had a nice time chatting while we ate. We only got to spend about 30 minutes with them until it was time for us to leave so that we could stay on schedule. Before we left Melissa gave me my shirt that I got from the Forever In Our Hearts Remembrance Walk they held in that area. The shirt is really pretty and it has the names of my Heavenly babies on the back. How wonderful!

After Madison, we headed to Tomah, WI so that I could meet up with Deanna at Subway in the Walmart there. She’s another fellow BLM. She had her mom and her little guy, Asher, with her. He and Kyndra had fun riding the little truck ride nearby. (Thanks Deanna!)

Once we arrived in Red Wing, we headed straight for the dinner that was being hosted at a local church. Kyndra really loved the big hall and I think she thought it was her own stage as she was singing and dancing all over. A photography club was there taking pictures and video of the dinner. It was nice to meet a few more BLMs that I only knew from online, like Kristie and Heather.
While we were there Heather interviewed me on video. I was a little nervous but I think I did ok.

Remembering...

2011-10-15T23:05:00.001-04:00

Tonight I am remembering my babies, Jordan & Carleigh, along with so many other babies gone too soon. I'm thinking of all the wonderful friends I've met on this journey and their precious little ones.

We'll never forget.

Hello Autumn gift exchange

2011-10-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

Who doesn’t love giving gifts to others? I know I always have fun exchanging gifts and in the past I’ve participated in the Remembering Together Swaps and the Faces of Loss exchange over the summer. Well, in the US it is autumn and what a better time for a gift exchange than now?

The rules are as follows:

Please only sign up once. If you sign up on any one of these blogs you do not have to sign up on another one as it will show up on all four. When signing up please type your name and your blog name (Name @ Blog Name).

There is a limit of $15 for a Fall theme gift like ornaments, scarves, fall baking kits. Feel free to share with your partner why you chose that gift... a baking kit for a little sweetness and warmth to their Autumn, etc.

Partners will be picked and posted by October 29th. It is up to the partners to get in contact with each other and exchange mailing addresses.

All items MUST be shipped by November 7th.

There will be a follow up link up that partners may participate in to show off their piece of hope on November 21st.

Please, please, PLEASE….only participate if you can guarantee your partner will receive a gift. It is a little disheartening when you sign up for an exchange but then don’t receive a gift. It’s happened to me and I know it has happened to others. Don’t disappoint your exchange partner!

My Hope Is In You, Lord

2011-10-12T16:38:00.001-04:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about my babies lately, especially Carleigh. The moments of missing and sadness have been a little more lately. I don’t know whether that is because this month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month so everything is more present in my mind or if it’s just regular cycle of grief. Maybe both.

I took the picture below on October 7th right outside our home. We live in a very small town and just across the way is a grain mill that many of the local farmers bring their corn and soy beans to. The sunset this night was particularly beautiful for our area and I thought I would capture it. It reminded me of my babies with both the purple and the yellow hues. I can only imagine the colors they have in Heaven. It’s hard to fathom they have colors up there I’ve never even seen!

Even though when moments of missing hurt, I still have my hope. I will never lose my hope in the Lord no matter what trials I face in this life-there is nothing that can shatter it.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8

Aaron Shust has a song out called My Hope Is In You. I absolutely love this song. It is one of my favorites and I always sing along when it is on. Today I saw the music video to the song. Oh. My. Gosh. The video is simply amazing and had my crying. Well, sobbing would be a better word. And then at the end of the video I see my favorite hymn. Wow.

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing
My hope is in You, Lord

Yes, Lord, my HOPE is in YOU.

Giveaway winners

2011-10-07T15:18:00.001-04:00

Thank you to everyone who entered the giveaways for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness. The winners have all been randomly selected and are as follows:

Earrings: Jenn

Necklace: Caitycait

Ribbons: Tiffany, Fireflyforever, Nat, Holly, kvwriter, Jenny Lees, Stacy, Marissa, & val

Congrats to the winners! I need each of the winners to email me at caring4carleigh@yahoo.com with your mailing address please.

October Giveaways

2011-10-04T13:43:00.001-04:00

I had thought of doing 3 separate posts but decided that it would be too time consuming and I need to save as much time as I can! I have several thing I’d like to give away for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month and I want to get it in before October 15th so that way maybe the people who win can get their items before that day.

So here is what I am giving away:

A pair of gold plated awareness ribbon earrings.

A gold etched angel wing with gold plated chain that is approximately 20" in length. Also comes with genuine Czech fire polished beads in pink/rosaline and light sapphire blue.

Both of the above are from Christina’s Treasures.

I also have 9 handmade awareness ribbons from Avi’s Embrace. Other ribbons are also offered and can be purchased here. I even kept one for myself because I liked them so much (hence why I’m only giving 9 away instead of 10!)

To enter any of these giveaways just leave me a comment and tell me who you will be remembering this month. So there will be 11 different winners! I’ll leave these giveaways open until Thursday and announce the winners Friday.

October is here

2011-10-04T12:29:00.001-04:00

For those who have lost a child we are keenly aware that October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month and that October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. You can visit the site www.october15th.com for more information about this special day and the Wave of Light.

This month is a time to spread awareness about baby loss. It’s more common than people think and it’s up to those of us who have been there to educate others not only about loss itself but how losing a child affects us. Below is a video that does a really good job at sharing what this life is like.

I know I will be thinking of all of our babies even more this month as we remember their brief, yet very profound, lives.

Happy Birthday October Babies

2011-10-03T11:56:00.004-04:00

Happy Birthday to all those babies who were born in October. Sending love to all your mommies!

Claire ~ October 1, 2009
Cayla ~ October 2, 2009
Meredith ~ October 3, 1974
Shelomith ~ October 4, 2009
Isaac ~ October 7, 2008
Samuel ~ October 7, 2010
Blumpy ~ October 8, 2009
Cana ~ October 8, 2008
Samuel ~ October 9, 2009
Cadynce ~ October 10, 2009
Adelle ~ October 12, 2009
Rebekah ~ October 13, 2009
Madison ~ October 14, 2010
Emma ~ October 14, 2008
Jamie ~ October 14, 2009
Nathan ~ October 15, 2009
Dylan ~ October 19, 2000
George ~ October 20, 2008
Kennedy ~ October 22, 2009
Johanna ~ October 23, 2009
Christopher ~ October 24, 2009
Jacob ~ October 25, 2010
Sami ~ October 26, 2009
Anastasha ~ October 26, 2010
Faith ~ October 28, 2008
Aiden ~ October 28, 2009
Claire ~ October 28, 2010
Adam ~ October 30, 2009

Sorry if your baby is not on this list. Please leave a comment if you would like your baby added.

2 1/2 years

2011-09-28T22:27:00.001-04:00

Today is another 28th. Normally I don’t keep track of them anymore but this one I kept thinking about since it is a half year and I would normally be telling people that Carleigh is 2 1/2 instead of 2 if she were still here with us and people asked how old she was.

It’s hard to believe that I am now 2 1/2 years away from this:

And I still have the rest of my life to go. I wonder at times how I will feel about everything 10, 20, 30+ years down the road. Right now I can’t imagine feeling any different than I do now. I love her, I miss her, and I think of her every single day. If I’m being more specific I have thought of her many times a day for the past 2 1/2 years.

I see the color purple. I am reminded of her. I notice the color purple everywhere I go. It seems more common now than ever before. Perhaps because I am looking for it. I see stars. I think of her and how she is my own shining star. I see a butterfly. Could that be her? I see a baby girl. I long to hold my own baby girl. I see a cute outfit just perfect for her. I only wish she could wear it. I see, I wish, I want.

Just looking at the photo above makes me miss her so much. I want to be able to hold her like that again and touch her skin and caress her sweet cheeks. I want to give her a thousand kisses, which makes me think of the song below.

Carleigh,
You’ve been gone now for longer than I want you to be and I know that I likely have many more ahead of me. How can I make it through the rest of this life without you here? I know I can do it as God will give me the strength but it is overwhelming at times to think of it. Your sisters bring me so much joy and through them I feel like I still have a little part of you. I think that helps. The other day I got your blanket out and I held it close. I even put my Carleigh bear in it and held it. While it’s the closest I can get, it isn’t the same.
I have so much I want to say to you but finding the words is so difficult. But I believe that you know it all without me having to say a word. You know my heart and how much love is in it for you. Please send some of your love down here for me. Mommy would really like that.
Loving you now and always,
Mommy

Baby Dust winner

2011-09-17T16:22:00.001-04:00

Thanks to everyone who entered to win a signed copy of the book Baby Dust by Deanna Roy. The winner by random generator is….

Trisha Larson!!!

Congratulations Trisha! I’ll be sending your book out to you on Monday!

Remember Baby Dust is being released in October so be sure to pick up your copy then to read!

anencephaly info

2011-09-14T18:07:00.001-04:00

As a mom to a child born with anencephaly it’s important to me that there is a site out there that gives honest and helpful information about anencephaly. One of those sites is anencephaly info. Too often there is misinformation out there about anencephaly and sadly many parents never come across the right information. I am so thankful that the creator of this site, Monika Jaquier, has put such a wealth of information together. Monika has been a big advocate for all of us with anencephalic children. If you need any type of information Monika is the person to go to. She’s worked with studies and doctors and has loads of experience in gathering data across the globe about anencephaly. Thank you Monika for all the work you have done!

Along with Carleigh’s story, there are stories of many others. There are resources and information for parents and also pictures of our babies. These pictures are quite important as they show our babies beautifully. Pictures on any search engine are very clinical and don’t represent our babies and how they truly are. In fact, these pictures can be downright frightening for parents with a recent anencephaly diagnosis.

If you are currently carrying a child with anencephaly or know someone who is please send them to this site!! The site can be read in 10 different languages.

http://www.anencephaly.info

Thoughts of Baby Dust

2011-09-12T22:47:00.001-04:00

Many thanks to Deanna Roy, author of Baby Dust, for allowing me to review her book. When I received the email from Deanna it was quite uncanny timing as I had just added her book to my list of books I wanted to read. So naturally I jumped at the chance to read it.

I had actually read the first chapter of the book on Deanna’s website before I had received an email from her. Reading the first chapter is what really caught my attention and I knew this book would be unlike any I had read before. Most books are nonfiction and are people telling their own stories. This book is fiction based on the true stories of women gathered by Deanna.

The book tells the stories of 5 women-Melinda, Dot, Tina, Janet, and Stella- who have lost their babies at varying gestations and in varying ways. I’m glad that each story is a little different. Each story is very believable and real. I could relate to moments and emotions that these women experienced and felt. I believe other women who read this book and have experienced loss will feel the same. I hope those who haven’t lost read this book too so they can get a glimpse of what life can be like after losing your baby.

One of my favorite quotes (the last sentence especially) from the book is this:
”What horror to face, to choose the moment of your child’s death, to see the machines whir to a stop, the monitors to beep, the line of the heartbeat to go flat. No one really recovers from that.”

I don’t want to get too much into the book as I don’t want to “ruin” anything for anyone who wants to read it but I will say that this book is a MUST READ. Once I started reading the book I wanted to keep reading it until I finished. I became involved in each of the characters and hoped for them like I do for any of my baby loss friends. Even the kinship of their circle reminded me of the community I have become a part of here online.

So my recommendation about the book? Buy it and read it!!

Because I loved the book so much I want to give away my signed copy of the book from Deanna to one of my readers. To enter just leave a comment and I will announce the winner on Friday.

Thank you again Deanna for the opportunity to review your book!

Learning about Baby Dust

2011-09-10T21:02:00.000-04:00

Baby Dust is a not yet released novel (release date is October 2011) by Deanna Roy and published by Casey Shay Press. I was contacted by Deanna and asked if I would like to review the book and of course I said yes! I had already caught wind of this book and it intrigued me. Once I knew about the book I wanted to read it. So to start out I’d like to allow my readers to learn a little more about the book Baby Dust and the author, Deanna Roy, through questions answered by her. I will review the book in another post.

What gave you the idea to write Baby Dust?
I had been running my miscarriage website (www.pregnancyloss.info) for about 8 years and recommending the best books on loss. I noticed something was missing-a book that really got behind the scenes of women’s lives after they lost a baby. What their husbands did. How their coworkers treated them. How they managed being around pregnant women. These are things we don’t always share, and so when it happens to us, we don’t know the pitfalls ahead. I decided to try writing it.

Had you written a novel before?
I’ve been a writer forever! Baby Dust was actually the third full-length book I wrote. But it’s the first to be published. I’m more known for my funny articles about being a writer who never gets any respect. Baby Dust was super-serious. A different tone from my published work, but very much in line with the writing on my website.

Were there difficulties in managing these stories?
Certainly. I cried a LOT. (Still do, almost every day.) I was particularly touched by several anecdotes. One was a step-mother who reconciles with her step0daughter by making an angel scrapbook for the lost baby. I put that in the book. Another was the couple who cremated their baby in a campfire as they were out in the woods when it happened. And the story of the woman who watched the heartbeat go to zero on the monitor. I just couldn’t have imagined some of these details.

But you lost three babies yourself, right?
Yes, My first loss was at 20 weeks gestation. I was teaching high school, and my students were waiting for me to call with the gender. I never called them. When we got to the doctor, we found the baby didn’t have a heartbeat.

And so you started the web site.
Exactly. I had already resigned my teaching job, as the due date would interfere with the start of the student publications, which I was advised. So I ended up with no job and no baby. Worst summer of my life. I spent it learning HTML and putting up a fledgling little site, mainly because so little was out there to tell you what to expect.

What did you hope Baby Dust would achieve?
Well, my greatest hope is that it will help other women see that they are not crazy or alone. Sometimes we do things that other people can’t understand.

Like what?
Oh, I used to hug the tree we planted. I mean full on, sit on the ground, legs and arms wrapped around the trunk. Women stepped up with some heart-stopping stories. The placenta in the freezer was one. I understand not wanting to let things go. Many women talked about trying to figure out how to bury their babies.

What’s one message you want women to take from the book?
For those who have had losses, I really hope they take Stella’s message to heart. We are survivors. And survivors can’t always act like everyone else. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do to get by. For those who haven’t lost a baby, I hope they recognize how important their word and reaction are to baby loss moms. A small comforting gesture goes a very long way. A card is kept forever. Seriously, forever.

But undermining her pain might end the friendship for good saying “It was God’s plan” or “At least you were only X weeks along” is about the worst thing you could do. I hope they get a chance to understand how our grief works.

What is one thing that has surprised you?
There was one shock. I asked women to send me audio recordings of their voices answering several questions for the book trailer. I got recordings from all over the world-Russia, Ireland, Australia, London, Mexico, the US. And in answer to the last question, “What is one thing you’d like to see changed about loss?” they all said the same thing.

“I’d like to be able to talk about my losses.”
”I want to end the silence about loss.”
”I want to feel free to bring up the subject of my baby.”

All over the world, the same thing. So that’s what I’m setting out to change.

Here is peek at the video trailer for Baby Dust courtesy of Deanna:

To contact Deanna you can email her at Deanna@deannaroy.com.

Coming up: A review of the book Baby Dust and a giveaway!

My Carleigh Bear

2011-09-06T17:48:00.001-04:00

If you are a member of this babylost community then it is very likely you have heard of a ministry called Molly Bears. In short, this ministry provides families with a bear weighted to the exact weight that their baby was. (To read the entire Molly Bear story CLICK HERE.) What a wonderful thing to provide for families. It is a great comfort to be able to hold something that was the exact same weight as your baby.
A while ago I put my name on the Molly Bear waiting list and I was #591. I decided just recently to ask about getting my own bear weighted. My friend Tamberly sent me a message saying if I sent my bear to her she would do it for me.
I sent my bear off on August 26th. The bear is just a simple bear I got from Walmart. It actually came with a tshirt but I took it off. This is the same kind of bear I donated to our hospital on Carleigh’s 2nd birthday and Kyndra and Lainey each have one to snuggle too. The bear is about 12 1/2 inches and so it’s about the length of what Carleigh was as she was 13 1/2 inches. Along with the bear I sent some yarn that is the same yarn that Carleigh’s blanket is made out of and also a heart with her name on it to go inside the bear. The heart is actually from Lea and it came with wings but the wings were too big to fit in the bear well so I had to take them off.

On September 3rd, I got my Carleigh Bear from Tamberly. What a wonderful surprise it was! Tamberly was able to weight my bear exactly as she wasn’t sure if she could fit all the weight in since the bear was so small, but she made it work and that made me quite happy! She put a purple flower and purple buttons on my bear and also a bow from the yarn I sent. Thank you Tamberly! I just love my bear!

It was so odd holding 3 lbs 15 oz in my arms again. It seemed so much heavier than I remember but the bear sure fit perfectly on my shoulder just like I used to hold Carleigh. I could’ve carried that bear around all day just like that.

Next I showed the bear to my girls. Kyndra thought it was pretty neat and I explained to her that the bear weighed just as much as Carleigh when she was born.

Lainey just loves teddy bears so she was all about snuggling with it but she couldn’t hold it by herself because she would fall over.

My bear was funded in honor of Reese. Many thanks! I hope to donate in the future to be able to provide bears for others.

Happy Birthday September Babies

2011-09-01T10:35:00.001-04:00

♥ Thinking of the September babies. ♥

Connor ~ September 1, 2006
Evan ~ September 1, 2011
Megan ~ September 2, 2008
Shyla ~ September 2, 2009
Peyton ~ September 4, 2009
Tiffany ~ September 4, 2009
Sebastian ~ September 4, 2011
Samantha ~ September 5, 2008
Morgan ~ September 8, 2008
Audrey ~ September 10, 2009
Baby E ~ September 11, 2008
Ethan & Jacob ~ September 13, 2009
Briar ~ September 13, 2010
Andrew ~ September 15, 2003
Layla ~ September 15, 2008
Sienna ~ September 15, 2010
Trinadee ~ September 15, 2009
Everett ~ September 16, 2008
Ryan ~ September 17, 2010
Evel ~ September 18, 2009
Fisher ~ September 18, 2009
Hunter ~ September 19, 2009
Hannah ~ September 21, 2009
Brayden ~ September 22, 2009
Lucy ~ September 24, 2009
Tristan ~ September 27, 2009
Ciaran ~ September 30, 2009
Zoey ~ September 30, 2010

Sorry if I have left anyone out and if I have please leave a comment so that I may add your baby to the list.

Ride4Grace 2011

2011-08-26T22:21:00.002-04:00

The 3rd annual Sufficient Grace Ministries Ride4Grace was on Sunday, August 21st. Anthony and I made the trip back up to the northern region to go to it.

We had a small number of bikes show up and the weather started off really nice. We were ready to get out there and start riding! We said prayer first of course for a safe ride!!

As you can see in the pic below as soon as we started out it looked pretty ominous. Those dark clouds followed us pretty much the whole time. Felt a couple sprinkles once and it got chilly through one part of the ride but we managed to outride it.

It was around a 77 mile ride (shortened it from a 100 mile ride) and we stopped in McComb to fill up on some gas. As it usually is in small towns, people knew people who were at the gas station and got into some chit chat.

Took a couple of videos during the bike run. It’s pretty noisy with the sounds of the bikes and the wind.

Coming back into the parking lot I saw Kelly standing outside with her camera ready to snap away and welcome us back……with hot dogs and ice cream! I’m all about that!

I wish I could’ve stayed longer and talked with Kelly but Anthony and I had to leave to start heading back home since it was already getting late and we had a 2 1/2 hour drive ahead of us. But I really enjoyed hearing Kelly talk about her visit to The Haven Network when she visited the Chicago area. Wish I could’ve heard even more! You can read her post about it here!

Carleigh’s belly cast

2011-08-25T12:52:00.001-04:00

Back on March 21, 2009 (just a week before Carleigh’s birth) I had a belly cast party and some of my friends from high school came and helped me create a cast as a keepsake from my pregnancy with Carleigh.

For over 2 years I have been waiting to have this cast painted. I had been so unsure of where to turn to have this painted. I didn’t want to do it myself and have it turn out less than what it deserved to be.

When I found out last year that Stephanie from Beyond Words Designs painted belly casts I knew I wanted her to do mine. I had seen all the fabulous paintings she had done and I knew she would be perfect. Plus, I knew she would handle something so precious with lots of love and care.

The picture below was taken July 13th and was right before I packaged it up and sent it off to Stephanie. Putting it on I couldn’t believe how small I was with Carleigh just a week before having her. This was at 36 weeks but I was only measuring about 29 weeks. I am so, so glad that I did a belly casting for Carleigh.

Today I received my painted belly cast. I got a reveal of it from Stephanie before it arrived and I was just blown away. (You can see her post here.) It was better than I even imagined and I love how Stephanie came to the design that she did. For the record, all I told Stephanie was that I somehow wanted stars and the color purple incorporated. I left the rest of the design up to her. I did send along Carleigh’s stamps of her hands and foot prints as I wasn’t sure if she would want to incorporate them into the design and I just love what she did with them!

Stephanie says, “I decided upon the midnight colors of deep purple fading into blue for the sky because my friend mentioned that the color purple and stars always made her think of her daughter. The universe with millions of stars leapt into my head. And the shooting star represents her life ~ shines so brightly, but briefly. I saw a shooting star years ago during a very special evening in my life ~ and that image never left me. . .so I recreated it on the cast. The hand and foot prints are the real prints of my friend’s daughter and their position within the cast is how she laid within her mama’s womb.”

The cast is currently hanging in our bedroom above our bed. I’m not sure if it will stay there but that’s where I had an empty nail so it works for now. It seems kind of fitting though. (I wish I would’ve done one of these for my other girls too.)

Thank you, Stephanie, for creating such a beautiful work of art on my Carleigh’s belly cast. It is much more than I ever imagined it would be.

Day of Hope

2011-08-19T22:07:00.000-04:00

"August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened.These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters." ~Carly Marie Dudley

Remembering our precious children…..

Project Heal Music Class- Week 2

2011-08-18T12:01:00.004-04:00

This week is about Score music and how it heals and inspires.

I honestly do not listen to much score music but I do think that many scores are beautiful and moving. The score I have listened to the most is Phantom of the Opera. I have loved it since junior high school and have had my copy since then.

I think Jared Kraft has some unbelievably beautiful music that he composes. I would love to own some of his music to listen to.

Shared story

2011-08-12T19:07:00.004-04:00

Today Carleigh's story was shared on stillbirthday.

You can read the story here:
http://stillbirthday.com/2011/08/12/caring-for-carleigh
(But it is the same as the link Carleigh's Story above.)

If you'd like to share your own story click here.

The Project Heal Music Class–Week 1

2011-08-10T11:11:00.001-04:00

I decided to take part in the music class that is being hosted by CarlyMarie’s Project Heal. Music means a lot to many of us and has a big place in my own life so this is the perfect opportunity to share.

For the first music class we are to share about the music that we love. Did we grow up with it or play an instrument? What about singing? Has music played a role after loss? Feel free to share and link up too!

I think I’ve always grown up loving music. When I was younger I took piano lessons and while I enjoyed it until I decided I loved gymnastics more. Those lessons though allowed me to learn what music was about so when it came time to join the band in school I was all for it. I decided the clarinet was instrument for me and I stuck with it all through high school and even dabbled with the oboe and played the saxophone in the jazz band. I had a natural knack for the clarinet and even made 1st chair and won some awards. My band teacher urged me to play in college but I decided not to. I wanted to focus on my studies. I did give one last hoorah though when I played in an orchestra for a musical. That was a neat experience. I then sold my clarinet and I really wish I would’ve kept it because there are times I would love to just pick it up and play and feel the fluidity of the notes as I played them. And I could go and buy another clarinet but the one I had was special and it was familiar. I have played other ones before but my hands never felt comfortable on them like it did with the one that was truly mine. I honestly miss playing and if I ever came across my old clarinet I don’t think I would hesitate to buy it back.

Along with playing an instrument growing up I also sang quite a bit and was pretty good. I often got the lead in our class plays. (Not sure if it was my singing or the fact that the main character always seemed to have blonde hair…..) People said I sang good and I just took their word for it. I really don’t think I’m that great of a singer now but I do enjoy singing, especially in my car and at church too. I love cranking up the music and singing at the top of my lungs.

As far as listening to music I mostly listen to Christian music and I like to listen to the Christian radio station KLOVE. It wasn’t that long ago that I used to listen to “regular” radio but with more and more songs singing about sex, drugs, and money it was becoming less and less appealing to me. It seems to me that music today isn’t as good as the music of yesteryear was. We loved listening to The Beach Boys growing up and I still love listening to them. It always reminds me of the times we’d take the boat out and we’d put in a Beach Boys cassette and it made it feel more like summer, which is why I love listening to them in the summer the most. Chicago was another one of my favorites from back then. There are more but those are the top two and the ones I have the greatest hits CDs of.

Music have become even more important to me since there are many songs I feel connect with what I am feeling. There were quite a few songs in the beginning after Carleigh was born that would bring tears to my eyes. I could always make a song relate to my loss in some way it seemed. There are still times and songs that can get to me.

One of the songs I’m currently loving at the moment is The Light In Me by Brandon Heath.

Happy Birthday August Babies

2011-08-05T13:00:00.006-04:00

Happy Birthday to those babies who have birthdays in August.

Gracie ~ August 1, 2009
Isaiah ~ August 3, 2008
Lily ~ August 3, 2008
Andrew ~ August 7, 2009
Skylar ~ August 7, 2010
Leigha ~ August 7, 2011
Cayden ~ August 8, 2009
Elliot ~ August 10, 2009
Michael ~ August 10, 2010
Kelsey ~ August 11, 2009
Bryson ~ August 12, 2009
Sebastion ~ August 12, 2010
Emma & Chase ~ August 12, 2009
Reese ~ August 13, 2009
Aiden ~ August 13, 2010
Bryston & Colton ~ August 15, 2010
Leilani ~ August 17, 2010
Hope ~ August 19, 2008
Peyton ~ August 19, 2010
Isabella ~ August 21, 2008
Savannah ~ August 23, 2010
Nevaeh ~ August 25, 2009
Addison ~ August 27, 2010
Madelyn ~ August 28, 2009
Gloria ~ August 29, 2006
Luke ~ August 29, 2009
Ezra ~ August 30, 2008

If you'd like your baby added please leave a comment!

Kitchen Table with Glow: Time

2011-08-02T11:38:00.002-04:00

I decided to participate in glow in the woods Kitchen Table discussion. If you’d like to take part too just click here. All my questions I am answering just for Carleigh.

1. How much time has passed since the death of your child(ren)? Do you mark grief in months, weeks or years? Does it seem to be going fast or slow?

Today it has been 2 years 4 months and 5 days and I only know it to that extent because I looked at the ticker on the sidebar of my blog. In the beginning of my grief, I counted days. Then the days turned to weeks and the weeks into months. Now the months have turned into years. When the 28th comes each month sometimes I totally forget until someone or something reminds me. The next “milestone” will be 2 1/2 years in September.

Looking back the time has went by so fast. How can my daughter be gone almost 2 1/2 years already? It just doesn’t seem possible. I don’t think the time has ever went slow. Life just passes too quickly and it seems the older I get the faster it goes. I wish I could slow it down because the farther away I get from the day she was born the more the memories of that day fade.

2. Do you have an end goal to your grief? How much time do you think that will take? How much time did you think you'd need to get there right after your loss? How much time do you think you need now?

I’ve never really even thought of an end goal with grief until this question was asked. All I’ve wanted is to do the best I can for my daughter and be happy and I think that I have done that.

3. Rather than a clear end goal, is there a milestone or marker to indicate that you are feeling grief less acutely, i.e. going to a baby shower, listening to a song that made you cry early in grief, driving past the hospital? How long did it take to get there?

Knowing that Carleigh was going to die gave me a head start on grieving. The time spent waiting allowed me to gain perspective on what laid ahead of me once she was born and helped me to cope better after she was gone.

I know I am doing better than those early days because I can see how certain things affected me then don’t affect me the same now. It happened slowly. There was no quick fix. In the beginning I avoided leaving the house as much as I could. I didn’t like crowds and whenever we did go out I often got anxious or angry or even annoyed. And it was mostly just at the situation. I’m out and about and I don’t have my baby with me. People are going about their normal lives and mine will never be normal again.

It wasn’t until an outing in October 2009 that I realized how my feelings had escalated. All these emotions were boiling inside and threatening to spill over. I knew that I needed to get a handle on myself. After I consciously decided to make an effort at handle my emotions things started to get better. Slowly. I often had to take deep breaths and relax and calm myself in my head. I have gotten to the point now where I am ok with crowds again.

There are other examples too that I have made progress. In the beginning I could barely look at newborn babies or pregnant women but now I can look at them with a smile. Any song with a hint of sadness would make me cry but now I can make it through most songs while singing along. I couldn’t make it through a single church service without the weight of my emotions bringing me to tears. I avoided (for the most part) singing, praying, and my church family. But now I feel lighter. I can sing and pray with joy in my heart and I openly greet my church family.

Again, it has taken time to get to where I am today. I can see that by looking back on my posts and reading what I wrote then. I am glad to be out of the times when I was shackled tightly by grief.

4. How do you view the time you had with your child, either alive (within or outside) or already deceased? Before you all answer "Too short! Not enough!", did you have time to "bond" or develop a future imagination about what this child would be like? Perhaps depending on whether yours was cut short, how do you now feel about the nine-month period of gestation -- too long or not long enough?

Oh my heart. The time I had with Carleigh is so, so cherished. I only knew my Carleigh alive while she was in my womb, but I felt like I knew her so well. I knew when she was active or the time of day she was mostly likely to get the hiccups. She loved sweets just like her momma and her sisters. And just like her sisters, she liked to keep her head in my right hip with her arms around her face.

I loved her from the moment I knew she existed. I wanted her before she was conceived. When I found out she was a girl I was overjoyed and dreamed of my two girls growing up so close and having so much fun together. And then my dreams were shattered. My baby girl would never grow up to do any of the things I had imagined for her. I had to fit in a lifetime of memories in just the few short months I had left with her. It seemed impossible but I had no other choice.

I wish that I would have done more with her and taken more pictures when I was still pregnant with her, but at the time it seemed like enough. Is there ever enough? While I don’t regret the choices I made regarding her birth I often wonder what the outcome would have been if I had waited longer than 37 weeks for her to come into this world or if I had decided not to have my water broken. The outcome may have been the same but what if she would’ve been born alive? What would that have been like? I think I would’ve been able to know my daughter in a whole new way than if she hadn’t been born still. I would’ve got to see with my own eyes who she was, but her soul was gone before I could see it.

I desperately wish I would’ve had more time with my daughter. Both in my womb and in my arms. Those moments are never long enough. They seem but a blink in time now.

5. One grief book suggested that it took 2-5 years to incorporate your grief into your life. Where are you on this timeline, and you do you find that to be true?

I think that timeline seems about right. We are approaching 2 1/2 years and I feel like my grief is in a good place and I have learned to incorporate it into my everyday life. Hard moments don’t come as often and I can smile most of the time at the memories. For me, the first year was the hardest. Once I got past a year I felt like I could be a little more free from my grief. Like my shackles were loosened.

6. There's a familiar saying, "Time Heals all wounds." Do you think this is true? Or do you subscribe to Edna St. Vincent Milay: "Time does not bring relief, you all have lied"?

I used to but not anymore. There are some things time cannot heal and that is a broken heart from losing your child. I think that over time it gets easier but never completely better. You still have moments when grief hits you hard. I think of the line from the song Address in the Stars, “Everybody tells me all I need is time, but the morning rolls in and it hits me again and that ain’t nothing but a lie.”

7. Has your relationship with the future (immediate and far) changed since the death of your child(ren)? How about your relationship with the past?

I think about the past and the future more because unfortunately my daughter is in the past but she is also in my future. I held her once but I will hold her again. It seems to balance itself out-the sorrow of my past with the hope for my future.

8. How long did it take to answer these questions?

About a day because I had to stop to take care of my girls and other things and then come back to it later.

First Face2Face Meeting and a visit

2011-07-31T21:41:00.000-04:00

Today was the first Face2Face meeting for the Dayton area. We had 3 people come-me, Kim (the leader), and Heather. I was hoping that more would come but 3 is a good start and hopefully in the next meetings we will get more to attend.

I actually got there late because I had to stop and fill my hubby’s work car with gas since it was on empty plus his GPS wasn’t working so I had to talk to Kim’s husband to try and get directions. Got a little detoured but I finally made it. We started off the meeting by sharing our stories and some mementos if we brought any.

We talked about where we wanted to go with the meetings whether to keep it formal or informal, different things we wanted to do, how to raise awareness, how to let more people know about the group, etc. We pretty much decided that we would like to meet twice a month.

We definitely want to do something for October 15th for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Although, I won’t be able to attend this year since we will be going to the big memorial in MN by Anchored By Hope, but I’m still excited to help them plan it and I’m sure they’ll let me know how it goes too.

After the meeting I went home a different route that took me close to the cemetery so I knew I had to stop for a visit. It has been a while since I was out and it felt nice to be there. I actually miss those days when I visited every week sometimes more. But I’m in a place now where I don’t feel like I need to visit that often. Although, her flowers are looking faded and I really do need to get some new ones out there.

I had in my purse a butterfly star stone from My Forever Child and I decided to leave it there beside her other stone I had left on a previous visit.

I had to dust off grass from her stone. The guy was there mowing and there was quite a bit of grass. Bird poop too and I tried to tidy that up as much as I could but I didn’t have a rag with me so could only do so much.

It was interesting that while I was there I encountered a few critters. The first one was a butterfly. I was actually thinking it would be really nice to be able to see a butterfly because it was so nice outside. At that same moment I was thinking it a butterfly flew by out of nowhere! Then as I was sitting beside her headstone a katydid jumped up onto it and hung around for about 10 seconds jumping onto different parts and then jumped away. As I got up from sitting a toad hopped out of thin air and right next to her headstone and then to the side of it as I followed it. I turned my back to look at something and when I looked again for the toad I couldn’t find it.

I don’t often get to sit and reflect on my daughter like I used to even though she is always in my thoughts. The cemetery has always been one of my favorite places to do that. It’s quiet with only the sounds of nature around me, which is why I often like to go alone.

Bring Hope Home online auction

2011-07-28T22:48:00.001-04:00

My dear friend, Mattie, is having an online auction to raise money towards their adoption on her blog Bring Hope Home. Please check out the items and feel free to bid on those you like. Let’s help Mattie bring Hope home!!

Blankets and Canvas

2011-07-20T17:25:00.001-04:00

Today in the mail I got my blankets for Carleigh and Jordan from Shaina at Rows for Remembrance. If you aren’t familiar with what she does you can read it here.

I had Shaina make Jordan’s blanket in yellow and Carleigh’s in purple. The blankets are both beautiful and soft. I actually sent her the yarn that she used to make these blankets. Jordan’s blanket is now in his memory box and Carleigh’s is in her memory chest.

Thank you Shaina for the wonderful work that you do! If you would like to donate yarn or help in some other way with this ministry please go here. I know Shaina would appreciate it!

I also got in the mail last week Carleigh’s canvas that I ordered. There was a really good deal going on at canvastouch.com that I couldn’t pass it up. I got a 10x14 canvas for $11 with free shipping!! I knew right away which picture I wanted to get. It’s one of my favorites of Carleigh.

And the picture I took of it doesn’t do it justice at all. The canvas really is beautiful. Until 08/31/11 you can get 20% off at canvastouch.com by using the code MOMMYSAVERS20. I am thinking I might have to get another one.

A glimpse of what could have been

2011-07-08T09:33:00.001-04:00

No doubt many moms who have lost their babies have wondered what they would have looked like had they lived. It definitely crosses my mind. I have always pictured her looking like her sisters.

Tiffany introduced me to a FB group called In An Angel’s Name that can allow us to see what are precious babies would’ve looked like. Thank you to the wonderful ladies who edit and retouch photos to make this possible and to Tiffany for letting me know about it.

I sent a wonderful lady photos of Carleigh, Anthony & me, and of her sisters so she could recreate what Carleigh would possibly look like. She did a fabulous job and she came very close to what I envisioned in my head (I pictured her with lighter hair).

This is what Carleigh may have looked like had she not been born with anencephaly.

Here is a side by side comparison of the picture with her sisters, Kyndra and Lainey.

She also did an age progression to age 4. I can see so much of Kyndra in this picture.

I can’t tell you how much it means to get these glimpses. I don’t have to wonder as much what she would’ve looked like because these give me an idea. I can almost see her personality just through this picture. But now I can’t help but imagine this face and what it would be like to see it every day with my other girls.

Happy Birthday July Babies

2011-07-07T12:00:00.003-04:00

♥ Remembering those babies with special days in July. ♥

Jonathan ~ July 1, 2009
Samuel ~ July 1, 1992
Tristen ~ July 3, 2010
Chai ~ July 3, 2010
Madeleine ~ July 7, 2009
Noah ~ July 7, 2009
Rylyn ~ July 9, 2005
Vivian & Annemarie ~ July 12, 2008
Hunter ~ July 12, 2001
Heather ~ July 13, 2001
Jeremiah ~ July 13, 2010
Noah ~ July 13, 2010
Jillian ~ July 14, 2009
Thomas ~ July 14, 1998
Isaac ~ July 14, 2005
Alanna ~ July 21, 2009
Faith ~ July 22, 2009
Bryston ~ July 24, 2009
Luke & Aaron ~ July 24, 1996
Amiee ~ July 25, 2009
Anna ~ July 25, 1998
Evan ~ July 25, 2009
Babybear ~ July 25, 2008
Matthew ~ July 27, 2002
Jayden ~ July 27, 2007
Amelia ~ July 28, 2010
Kathlyn ~ July 30, 2009
Little One ~ July 30, 2008

If you would like your baby added please let me know.

My Moonlight Aura sculptures

2011-06-29T13:43:00.002-04:00

I thought I would also share the sculptures that I got from Moonlight Aura. This shop is special in that Krystal specializes in the sculpting of hands. The hands can hold objects, be signing in sign language, or be representing something else.

I got a pair of hands holding a purple flower. Normally, Krystal would put her own butterfly on the piece but I requested to put my own on. I wanted to add to the sculpture one of Carleigh’s butterflies from her 2nd birthday cake to make it more special. I figured one of the small white ones would work perfectly and I was right!

I also got a small hand sculpture in gold signing ‘I Love You’.

I also got a couple clay pendants that are usually used for necklaces and I made it into a suncatcher that hangs in our van.

I would definitely love to get more sculptures from her shop. I already have my eye on a few!

My Midnight Orange Sculptures

2011-06-28T18:46:00.001-04:00

I have been wanting to share here the sculptures I have from The Midnight Orange that I have gotten that hold special meaning for my babies.

This piece is called You Make Me Gleam and is the first sculpture I ever got from The Midnight Orange. I actually won it through a giveaway held by Stephanie back in October 2009. All of us who entered were able to have a sculpture created by D. Antonia thanks to her own generosity. I picked this piece out for Carleigh. I just love it.

It wasn’t until March this year that I bought my second sculpture, even though I had kept my eye on many of them. I even wanted to get a custom order done by D. Antonia but then she stopped doing customs because of the growth in popularity of her sculptures.

My second sculpture is called Love Grows In The Moonlight and I bought this piece specifically to go on Carleigh’s second birthday cake. It went perfectly with her butterfly themed cake and I have always loved how the colors purple and teal go together. Plus, purple is Carleigh’s color! Now it is a lovely reminder to me of her 2nd birthday.

The third and fourth sculptures I got were the piece called Sleeping. I got a purple one for Carleigh and a yellow one for Jordan.

The fifth and sixth I got for them is called Quiet Time and is of a baby butterfly resting on a toadstool. Again, I got one for each of them in their colors.

The seventh is called These Lazy Days. I actually bought this piece and put it up on the SGM online auction I hosted and then I rebought it because I really loved it. I like to think it is me and Carleigh just basking in the sun together. I’m laying there and she comes along and lands on me and it is just perfect.

The eighth is called a Wee Creature and was made by D. Antonia for Carleigh. In her words, “This one came down from Heaven and after two years of playing with Carleigh she's going to keep her momma some company.”

There are more pieces in my collection but these are ones I specifically bought or have for my babies. You can see half of my total collection here.

Silver Angel Wings

2011-06-22T14:57:00.002-04:00

Not to long ago Franchesca held a giveaway for a silver angel wing necklace from Sue-Ella Signature Designs. I happened to be the lucky winner of the necklace. It was such a wonderful surprise! I had been eyeing some of this same jewelry and here I had won one! It just really made my day.

I got in contact with Sue to figure out what I wanted to do with the necklace I had won. I decided that I wanted to buy another angel wing on top of the one I had won so that I could have one for Carleigh and one for Jordan. Sue suggested a different angel wing necklace where I could have the wings facing the opposite way and it sounded perfect.

Last week I got my lovely necklace in the mail and it is just so beautiful. And I just happened to be wearing my angel wing shirt of Carleigh’s that my friend Mary made me.

The angel wings are fine silver with a sterling silver chain. On the back of the angel wings are my babies’ name in the same photos that Carly took. Each angel wing also contains sand from Christian’s beach.

Then I got snap happy with my camera and decided to take a picture of the angel wings with their sculptures from The Midnight Orange. So you see Jordan’s angel wing with his yellow Sleeping sculpture and Carleigh’s angel wing with her purple Sleeping sculpture. I just love how it turned out.

Thank you, Sue, for such a beautiful necklace! I truly love it!

A special blanket made even more special

2011-06-20T18:16:00.001-04:00

My friend Heidi has a beautiful ministry called Butterfly Kisses. With her ministry she takes blankets for your baby and embroiders them with their hand and foot prints. After seeing her work a couple times I really wanted to get this done for Carleigh.

I decided to do the blanket that was given to me by some family members for Carleigh’s first Christmas in Heaven in 2009. The soft, pink, marshmallow blanket was already embroidered with her name and birthday and a moon holding a little bear.

The blanket has sat in her memory chest since we got it. I had not even unwrapped it from the ribbon or taken it off the hanger it came on. But I took off the ribbon and removed the hanger (then put the ribbon back on) and sent it off to Heidi for her to do her magic. She did a fabulous job!

The blanket for now has been wrapped back up in the ribbon and put back in the memory chest. I plan to get it out more and use it for both the girls and me as they continue to get older. I imagine us wrapped up in it and they ask about the prints and then I can talk to them about their sister.

Thank you Heidi!

What I’m grateful for

2011-06-18T23:00:00.000-04:00

I decided to take part in a writing link-up with The Dead Baby Club. I like linking up to stuff like this because it gives me the opportunity to sit and think and write about things on my grief journey. I don’t write like I used to simply because sometimes I feel like everything has already been said, but I know that’s not true. This journey is continually evolving. The topic for this link-up is about gratitude.

Gratitude. Since the loss of my child(ren) the one thing I am most grateful for is…..

I have found that I am a lot more grateful for healthy, living children than I ever was. I took it for granted. I mean, I realized things happened but I never figured it would happen to me. It’s always other people that stuff happens to. But then it became me and my world was shattered and changed forever. The innocence of pregnancy was no more and in crept the fear of losing another child. And it didn’t end with the end of the pregnancy. It continues as the child grows.

My husband thinks I am a little overboard at times with our rainbow baby. Like when I check on her breathing just 5 minutes after putting her down asleep or when we are driving and I check on her in her car seat to make sure she’s still breathing. I can’t help it. The death of my child has made me paranoid. I told him that just because it happened to us once doesn’t mean we are exempt from it happening again. There are no rules with this kind of thing.

More than ever I believe that every child who is born healthy and alive is a true miracle. I don’t take that miracle for granted like before.

Right Where I Am: 8 years 5 months 3 weeks

2011-06-09T18:43:00.001-04:00

I’m taking part with Angie at Still Life With Circles and other wonderful women in this community in writing a post about where we are at right now in our grief. Like my other post, I’m just gonna write what comes to my heart. I thought it would be good for me to write about where I am at with Jordan too.

~~~~~

It has been 8 years 5 months and 3 weeks since I made a choice that forever changed my life-having an abortion. Writing that word still gets to me after all these years. It was December 19, 2002 and it was a gloomy, rainy day. It’s a day I tried to forget for 5 years after it happened. I tried to pretend it didn’t happen but stuff like that you push away in your mind and heart always resurfaces at some point.

After my daughter Kyndra was born I struggled a lot with what I had done. I sunk deeper and deeper into a hole that I didn’t know how to escape. My heart and my limbs felt heavy and I felt like there was a perpetual dark cloud over my head. Thanks to God and the bible study Forgiven & Set Free I was able to find healing.

Today, I’m in a really good place with my grief with Jordan. The regret, guilt, and shame are not heavy chains weighing me down anymore. It’s still there and always will be but I have hope and forgiveness through God. I have the hope of one day seeing Jordan in Heaven. I want to tell him as we embrace for the first time how much I do love him and how sorry I am that I made the choice that I did.

I may not think of Jordan as often as Carleigh but he is also in my heart and in my thoughts. I do believe that my grief and healing with Jordan helped me to cope better with my grief with Carleigh. It is because of Jordan that I made the decision before Carleigh to never terminate another pregnancy. It hurt me too much and I didn’t want the wounds to run that deep ever again.

One of the things that is harder with Jordan is that I don’t have anything tangible to remember him by. Nothing that was his. In Ohio, clinics must keep your records for 6 years before destroying them. I tried so desperately to find my records before my 6 years was up. I had hoped there was an ultrasound picture in my file. I called the clinic but it was closed and a new clinic had taken its place and said they couldn’t help me. I called the Department of Health but they said they couldn’t help me either. I even got in touch with Heartbeat International and they also said they couldn’t help. Finally, I gave up. No one seemed to know where the records went after the clinic closed. I still wonder to this day what happened to them.

Jordan does have a special place though. The National Memorial of the Unborn in Chattanooga is kinda the equivalent of the cemetery to us for him. We have a plaque placed on the wall there and a copy of it I have placed in his memory box that I recently received. I love visiting the memorial and we’ve gone there every year in October for the past 3 years. We had planned to again this year but I decided to go to the October 15 Memorial in Minnesota instead.

It still isn’t easy to share my story about Jordan. You never know how people will receive it but I do it because I know that it will help other people who have been through the same thing not feel so alone. Too many women stay silent and suffer alone. It is a very taboo subject.

It is because of Jordan that I have learned not to be so quick to judge others. I was the good Christian girl who was against abortion but yet I still had one partly because I was afraid of what people (especially my parents) would think when they found out I was pregnant at 19. Little did I know then that there are things worse than being unwed and pregnant. But when you’re in a place where fear has taken over your heart and clouded your mind you can’t make sound decisions. I just wish there would’ve been someone who had broken through the fog and made me realize what I was really doing.

I never would have understood a lot of things or helped other people in similar situations had I not walked this road and for that I am grateful for this broken road. If I could take it back I would to have Jordan here, but since I don’t have a time machine I am glad that God has brought good things out of something so terrible.

Happy Birthday June Babies

2011-06-09T14:00:00.004-04:00

♥ Remembering those babies with special days in June. ♥

Wyatt ~ June 1, 2009
Xavier ~ June 4, 2009
Wyatt ~ June 6, 2010
Matthew & Joshua ~ June 7, 2008
Nolan ~ June 8, 2009
Leyland ~ June 9, 2009
Rylyn ~ June 9, 2005
Dylan ~ June 11, 2008
Mikayla ~ June 13, 2010
Calypso ~ June 14, 2007
Mackenzie ~ June 17, 2009
Austin ~ June 17, 2009
Eli ~ June 17, 2010
Aubrey & Ellie ~ June 24, 2008
Jack ~ June 24, 2010
Drew ~ June 30, 2010

If you would like your baby added please let me know!

SGM Golf Outing 2011

2011-06-08T23:39:00.000-04:00

June 4th was the annual Sufficient Grace Ministries golf outing. It was my 2nd year participating. Last year I golfed on a team with Kelly but this year I had my own team so there were 2 women’s teams. Yay! My husband, Anthony, also had his same team from last year (his brother Todd, him, his friend Andy, and his dad).

My team was my friend Kristi, her sister Erin, my sister Katrina, and me. And let me tell you-we had a blast golfing together!

Here is mine, my husband’s, and Kelly’s teams for the golf outing:

The day was a beautiful day! It was warm and sunny and with a breeze. It was a lot like last year only this year had a much better breeze so it didn’t feel quite as hot. However, I learned my lesson last year from getting sunburnt and made sure to put sunscreen on beforehand and bring it with me. Thank goodness I did not get burnt this year but I have really good sunscreen we use now (called thinksport).

Kristi and I were in a cart together and my sister and Erin were in a cart together. We started on hole 1 right after Kelly’s team. We managed to get quite a ways behind them as we continued to golf. So either they get the job done quick or we goofed around a lot!

I started out a lot better than last year but I’m still not a real great golfer! Erin was pretty much the only one on our team with some good golf experience. I mean, she has her own clubs so that definitely means something!

We definitely had some fun and silly moments!! I’m so very glad these girls agreed to golf with me.

Anthony’s team had a great time too.

Kristi and I sponsored a hole together in memory of our babies.

We also made sure to get a pic with the sign at the hole that Sue from My Forever Child sponsored. Thanks for sponsoring, Sue!!

Near the end of the day we were getting pretty tired so we may have skipped a couple holes, which is prolly a good thing because they were still waiting on us when we finished! For a time during the outing it looked like it might storm but the dark clouds went around us thank goodness. I was hoping we would be able to finish without rain and we did.

Thanks so much to everyone who sponsored a hole or other portion of the golf outing. You can see a list of sponsors here on Kelly’s blog. Between the golf outing and a raffle that was held on some signed Ohio State football items, over $6,000 was raised for the ministry. What an awesome amount! The ministry is certainly being blessed this year and I pray that God will continue to bless it and to put it on the hearts of others to donate toward this great ministry.

PS – You can view more photos of the golf outing on the Sufficient Grace Ministries FB page and also in my photos.

Jordan’s memory box

2011-06-06T23:03:00.001-04:00

I received in the mail a beautiful memory box for Jordan created by Katy. The box was given to me by my friend Emily after she won it on the Sufficient Grace auction that I hosted in the beginning of April. I had been wanting to get one of these memory boxes for this purpose but just kept putting it off.

The box is absolutely beautiful and I’m so happy to finally have something to put the few things I have for Jordan.

Thank you Katy for creating this wonderful memory box and thank you Emily for your generosity in giving it to me.

If you are looking into a memory box for your baby I highly recommend getting one from Katy. This box is very well crafted.

Right Where I Am: 2 years 2 months 5 days

2011-06-02T22:32:00.001-04:00

I’m taking part with Angie at Still Life With Circles and other wonderful women in this community in writing a post about where we are at right now in our grief. I’m not sure where to go with this so I’ll just write what comes to my heart.

~~~~~

Today it has been 2 years 2 months and 5 days since Carleigh was born still on March 28, 2009. It is hard for me to believe it has been over 2 years already since that day. Wasn’t it just yesterday I found out I was pregnant with her? Wasn’t it just yesterday that we got the news that no parent should ever get? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I held her in my arms?

Sometimes I wish I could go back to yesterday. I think that is because I feel I didn’t get enough moments with her while she was here. I got to spend 37 weeks with her in my womb. I got to feel every single kick and hiccup and gosh I am so grateful for that. I shared moments with her that no one else ever got to experience. I think because of that I grieve for her in a way that no one else ever will. No one knew her like me.

I remember being completely ecstatic when I found out she was a girl around 16 weeks. My dream was going to come true of having 2 girls close in age like me and my sister. Life couldn’t get any better. But then that horrible day came. I’ll never forget the exact moment when all my dreams were shattered. It only took one word. Anencephalic. I saw the word and I knew what it meant. We’d never take our baby home.

I am still completely amazed at the grace that God gave me that day and on the rest of our journey. While my heart was completely broken, I felt God near me and He walked beside me through it all.

The first year was the toughest for me, especially around month 6. I had to go through all of the “firsts” like holidays and her birthday. But not only that I had to get through each month of wondering what she would be doing at that stage and what milestones she would be reaching. I still wonder to this day what she would be like and I imagine I will always wonder for the rest of my life here on this earth.

Now here I am at 2 years 2 months and 5 days out. What is grief like for me now?

My grief is a lot easier to bear, even though my grief has never felt extremely heavy. I’ve never really had sad days, just sad moments. Those moments have happened less and less as time has passed. They are still unpredictable though. I can be doing just fine and then something triggers a moment. It could be a reminder or a song or just looking at my other girls and seeing the little girl in the middle that is missing. I don’t miss Carleigh any less than I do from when I last held her. I prolly miss her more. People prolly wonder how can I be less sad but miss her more? I don’t really know.

I’ve always been an optimistic person and that optimism has carried over in how I handle my grief. I’ve kept my optimism and my hope and I think that has helped cope better than if I didn’t have it. I had my rainbow baby in September 2010 and she has brought a lot of love and joy into the spaces of my heart that were empty and aching. But I don’t want people to think that my heart is completely healed because that isn’t the case and never will be. My heart will always be broken for the daughter I had to let go and there will always be a piece of it that will be hers.

I like to imagine her being so happy that her sisters make me happy. I like to imagine that when we laugh and play together she laughs along with us. I even imagine that when mommy or daddy feels sad she wants nothing more than to reach to us and hold us and tell us it’s gonna be ok.

There are things that are harder now though. Although it has gotten better, I don’t look at babies and pregnancy the way I used to before Carleigh. A pregnancy doesn’t always equal a baby even when you’re past the first trimester like so many believe. I used to have the “that’ll never happen to me” mentality. Then it did happen to me and it forever changed me. It’s harder to talk to people about how many children I have because some people don’t think that children in Heaven count and I don’t agree with that.

I see more of the blessings I have been given in this life because of Carleigh. She changed me so much and I know she made me into a better and more caring person. I would hate to think that because of her I became less than that.

I don’t visit her at the cemetery as much as I used. It’s not because I don’t want to but because the days get away from me and I’m not out that way as much as I used to be. We visited recently though and it was so nice. Kyndra has always enjoyed going to the cemetery. She laughs and plays and runs around. She should never have to associate a cemetery with her sister.

I wish people would say her name more or just talk about her. I wish people would tell me that they miss her. I want to know that there are people who miss her besides me. I’m always missing her.

I never realized before Carleigh how much of an impact losing a child has on a person. It’s a pain and a grief unlike any other and can only be fully understood by those who have been there. Some people may disagree with me but I think it is the worst kind of loss. Children shouldn’t die before their parents.

I like to look at her pictures and the keepsakes I keep in her memory chest. It was not too long ago that I watched just a little bit of one of her videos from the day of her birth. The silence in the room from that day is haunting. I didn’t realize how quiet the room was then. I was so focused on her that I was unaware of what was going on around me. I do remember hearing the clicks of my friend Ashley's camera taking pictures of us. That was basically the only sound in the room aside from the whispers from our caretakers.

I don’t give myself a lot of time to sit and really think about things. Honestly, I barely have time to myself to get other things done let alone have a good grief session! But there are occasions when I am by myself at home or I’m in the car and I will take myself back there. I go back to the moments when we found out, when I carried her, when I held her in my arms, and when we said our final goodbyes. I wonder how I have made it through this. This is the stuff people tell you that they don’t know how you did it because they surely couldn’t. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been told that. And I want to tell them that it hurts and it sucks but oh, she was so worth it. She was and is worth every moment, good and bad, that I have experienced these past 2 years 2 months and 5 days.

A house by the cemetery

2011-05-25T16:20:00.002-04:00

It seems nowadays that my visits to the cemetery get farther and farther apart from each other. That first year I used to visit every week and now it seems I can get there maybe once a month. It’s not that I don’t want to visit but lately the weather has been quite rainy and life is always so busy. It’s times like this that I wished I lived closer to the cemetery than the 30 minutes it takes to get there currently.

We ended up going to the cemetery on Sunday since it was such a nice day (a gentlemen was there putting more dirt on the graves, including hers). I got called into work so I had to meet Anthony there. The way I drove took me by a house. It’s a house that has sat empty since it’s been built, which has been years now. It’s a 4 bedroom home and it’s nice inside from the pictures I’ve seen of it online. The outside is very nice too. I assume that no one has bought this house because it is terribly overpriced. Or maybe they don’t like a cemetery being a hop, skip, and a jump away. I, on the other hand, wish I could live in this house to be closer to the cemetery. Who does that? Who wants to live beside a cemetery? Oh yeah, the parents of a dead baby. Me.

Whenever I pass by this house I dream of one day in the future buying it and taking walks to the cemetery. We could pack a picnic basket and go down there and eat with her. I can see the girls picking flowers to go take to her. I imagine alone time on a blanket right over her grave. I can even picture us loading up on the lawn mower and having Anthony ride us there. That makes me laugh just thinking about it.

We know eventually in a few years that we want to move. We want to move on the other side of the county and be closer to the cemetery. Really, I should say I want to move to be closer to the cemetery. I’m not sure what hubby wants but he seems fine with the plan I have made for us. Every time I go online and look through houses I look at it. Now we may very well never get this house because there is a better one out there or it could be sitting empty just waiting for us. I guess God’s will and time will tell, but every time I see it I think, “Wouldn’t it be nice to be so close to her…”

Some people dream of a house with a white picket fence. I dream of a house by the cemetery.

A Mother's Love revisited

2011-05-21T21:08:00.003-04:00

For May's blog hop for Faces of Loss I wanted to reshare something I shared on my blog back on January 31, 2009. On that day I had received an email from my Uncle Buck. He had written something he wanted to share with me. I am always moved by his writings and this one in particular is very close to my heart. I thought it was appropriate to share with those who may not have read it before.

A Mother’s Love

I will never understand the love a Mother has for her children. Today I have finally accepted it is simply beyond my ability to comprehend.

Like so many of us I took advantage of my Mom as a child, and given the gift of hindsight, I probably even did that as an adult. Mom was always there looking out for me. It wasn’t until her final moments that I thought about how much she had done for me. In those precious few minutes it dawned on me that I would never understand why she cared as she did, why she put up with all my mistakes, why she loved me as much as she loved all her other children. She died with me never understanding the love of my Mother.

I was equally dumbfounded later in life when a family heirloom that meant the world to me seemed to have slipped through my fingers once again. Yet there is a lamp in our house today that serves as a constant reminder a Mother's love is not limited to those children she bears. Why was I the one blessed with this special act of kindness? After all these years, words still fail to describe the emotion of that moment. And it convinced me all the more I will never understand the love of a Mother.

Even when I watched my wife and the interaction she had with our sons, I couldn't understand the love of a Mother. Those boys drove me nuts but Becky persevered. I remember when teen choices drove a wedge between father and son, Mom was there making sure the wounded family ties were repaired. While I felt a huge sense of loss when they left our house and later when they married, Becky didn’t waste any time welcoming 2 wonderful young ladies into our lives. When I was convinced I should have done more, Becky knew we had done all that was needed to prepare our sons to lead their own households. How did she know? Why was she right every time? I have no idea. But it pretty much proved beyond any doubt I am incapable of understanding the love of a Mother.

Today I am confronted once more with my inability to grasp the enormity of a Mother’s love. Holly, our sweet little Holly, hesitated not one second when asked if she wanted to carry a child that would not look like other children. She was told her baby would not live as long as other babies are expected to live. She would never see her baby leave for the first day of school, go on her first date, or share that special day when wedding rings marked a new chapter in the lives of everyone who loved her baby girl. But Holly never wavered in her decision. In spite of the hardship, or maybe because of it, she chose to continue a bittersweet pregnancy that tore out the hearts of those who thought they knew what was best for her. I was one of those people.

Holly was not ready for this. It was just yesterday that I watched her and Katrina playing in a small wading pool with my sons. Just yesterday she fell asleep in my lap after a long day of boating and many failed attempts at water skiing. Just yesterday she was a busy athlete on the track and field team, a goofy acting teenager racing to embrace the promise of tomorrow. Just yesterday she married and with Anthony began a family.

It was just yesterday. I was there. I know she was not ready for this.

Yet what I know is not what I see because there stands Holly, glowing only as a happy mother-to-be can. There is Holly, smiling and reassuring all of us she is fine, that she knows this is the right choice. There is Holly, inspiring those who doubted, giving us the strength to carry on. At a time when she should be leaning on us she is instead the crutch a family depends on. How can she do that? Where does she find the strength? She has reminded me once again I will never understand the love of a Mother.

I deeply regret that I will never know little Carleigh. I would like to watch her grow and see her listen in wide-eyed wonder as I argue with her Grandma about whether she looks more like her Mom or more like her Dad. I would like to hear her laugh when I tell stories of her Mom as a toddler and teen.

I would like to tell her what a wonderful Mom she has.

But somehow, I think she already knows all the things I would like to tell her. And I suspect she knows even more because I am certain she understands the one thing I never will: the love of a Mother.

I hesitate to speak of God because I know so little and others are far more qualified than I am to speak of His love for us. But instead of wondering why this happened I choose to believe in His wisdom. I choose to believe that He knew Holly was the best choice to be the Mother of one of His most precious children. I choose to believe that He knew Carleigh would be safe and warm and loved. Seeing the smile of our young Mommy-to-be I know it was the right choice.

I may never understand the love of a mother but today I understand the love of our Father just a little better. He sees what we can’t see. He knows what we don’t know. He understands what I don’t, the love of a Mother.

WH 2009

A few gifts

2011-05-12T14:40:00.000-04:00

For Mother’s Day I took part in the Remembering Together Bouquet Swap.

We had to make a flower or bouquet of flowers and send it to a fellow babyloss mom. A lovely lady named Shannon made my bouquet and included the colors that remind me of my babies.

Thank you, Shannon, for the wonderful bouquet! It’s sitting in the middle of our table.

I also tuned in to the most recent Anchored By Hope radio show and won a customized snow globe from Kristie.

I just happened to pick the closest number to 12 and I picked 11 (my lucky number!!).

The snow globe is very pretty and has the words “Never lose hope” and is customized with Carleigh’s name. The song it plays is called Romance. I’ve never heard it before but it is a wonderful tune.

Thanks Kristie!!

March for Babies 2011

2011-05-11T14:37:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, May 7th, we had our March for Babies walk for the March of Dimes. Since we don’t have a local one in our area anymore we go back to walk in the northern region since all of our family is up there.

I’m thankful for all of our family and our friends who walk with us and support us and our daughter, Carleigh.

I had Deirdre from Dee’s Tees design our shirts again for the 3rd year. She always does a great job. Although, Anthony informed me that next year his friend’s family member is gonna do it because they can do it cheaper. Whatever! As long as we get shirts I don’t care!

This year I actually came up with the design myself instead of throwing out some ideas and Deirdre designing it. I think it really turned out good! I also put the names of babies who were born too early or gone too soon on the back of the shirt. I put a request on Carleigh’s blog and on FB for names so those moms who requested had their baby/babies’ names put on the shirt. Plus I had a few extra spaces to fill so I put in a few names myself.

We had a good sized team this year just like last year but the big difference this year was the weather. Last year it rained but this year it was warm and sunny and just beautiful! (Later it ended up raining but I was so happy it held off for our walk.)

Our walk was a 3 mile walk and we started at the First Presbyterian Church. We had a great route that took us by Lake Cascade (old quarry that filled with ground water).

Kyndra and my niece Audrey were together in a stroller pushed by my parents. My dad tipped the stroller several times and then Kyndra fell and scraped her face up, poor thing!

Lainey did very well during the walk. She took it all in for a bit and then ended up falling asleep. I mostly walked beside my friend, Jen, and Todd’s girlfriend, Megan.

My cousin Amber ran half of the walk and did a great job! I wish I could’ve run it but I’m afraid I’m not quite as in shape as I used to be. I really need to start exercising again and maybe next year I can run it.

They had a little bounce house that the kids loved jumping in. Kyndra had a blast in it and skipped the lunch after the walk to go in it.

Thanks to everyone who came and walked with us and thank you to everyone who donated to me for the walk-Lisette, Jessica, Trisha, Susan, Crystal, Sara, Angela, and Natasha.

Women of Faith 2011

2011-05-10T16:06:00.003-04:00

I have been meaning to post about Women of Faith sooner but I just haven't had the time to sit and write it all out until now. And even now I am trying to hurry before the girls wake up from their naps!

The Women of Faith conference in Columbus was April 29-30. Kelly got a group of women together to go to the conference together. Last year my cousin Amber and I only went on Friday because we were using Becki's and Kelly's tickets since they couldn't come down until Saturday. I knew after just that one day I wanted to come back for the full 2 days. It's an amazing conference!

Friday morning Amber drove down to my house and once she got there we (along with Lainey) left to head to Erin's house to meet up with her and Mattie and drive to Nationwide Arena. We left a little later than we wanted to and then on the road we had a little tire trouble so that made us even later but we made it and the 4 of us headed out to the conference.

We ended up arriving there before Kelly's group from up north did, which surprised me because I thought they would beat us with our late start. We were waiting outside of Nationwide Arena when we decided we'd go ahead and go inside to wait on them. It was then that I realized I forgot mine and Amber's tickets! Noooooooooooo!! I called Kelly and she said they should have a ticket place we could go to and that we'd figure it out when she got there. We went ahead and went to the main ticket place and the people at the ticket tables were so nice! I told them I had forgot our tickets and then printed us new ones no problem! Crisis averted! Thank you God! I didn't want to have to miss the conference because of my own forgetfulness.

Once my cousin Amber and I acquired our new tickets we went ahead and checked through. They check your bags for food and drink as you go through and after last year (Amber and I had to throw a ton of stuff away!) I knew I'd have to be clever to sneak something through. So I put some cheese crackers in a cloth sandwich bag and it was smooth sailing and because I had Lainey with me I was able to take my bottle of water in too.

I didn't realize it at first but Friday morning and afternoon seating was general admission so we could sit anywhere so we got to sit pretty close. Here's a pic of before the conference started as we were in our 'close up' seats.

The theme for this year's conference was Imagine.

Soon enough Kelly and her crew arrived and sat with us in our close up seats. The praise team did some singing and then the speakers started. We heard from a guy named Henry Cloud. I'm not real familiar with him but he was a good speaker. We also heard from Shelia Walsh. I really liked her!

Before we knew it it was time for lunch so we went and got our boxed lunches and took them back and ate in the arena. We also managed to snag even closer seats! Booyah! Lunch was pretty good. We had turkey sandwiches with chips and an apple. We also had a Little Debbie for dessert. Lainey chewed on mine and made it mush but it was still good!

Such a fun time!

After lunch it was a Q&A session where people turned in questions for the speakers to answer. Then we got to hear a little bit from Angie Smith! She was so nervous and you could tell but God bless her she still did well and she was funny too. It just made us all jazzed up to hear her speak later in the conference.

They dismissed us for a few hours before the next session so some of us decided to go eat dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. We ate there last year and it was yummy good so it was kinda no brainer to eat there again.

Kelly, Stephanie, and Mattie with Lainey

I got the fried macaroni and cheese balls. So good!

Eating away!

We had to get our cheesecakes to go because it was getting really close for the evening session to begin. Erin, Mattie, Amber, and me ate ours while I drove. I got the red velvet cake and cheesecake and it was so good!

The evening session was filled with some great music and dancing (mostly me lol) to Mary Mary! We also had to go to our assigned seats, which were up in the balcony but I was sitting right on the edge so I could see everything really well! It made Kelly nervous though. lol

By the time Friday night at the conference was over it was like 10 pm! And yet I was still awake! Whoa! The group split up to go to where they were staying for the night. Mattie was supposed to stay in the hotel with Kelly and her group but the hotel kinda messed up on their rooms and Mattie decided to go back to Erin's house to stay, which is where Amber and I were staying too. I was so excited! I was kinda bummed she wouldn't be staying again so it really made me smile that it changed.

The morning came all too quickly and we got ready and hit the road for Saturday's conference. The speakers we got to see this day was Luci Swindoll and Lisa Harper. We also got some more of Sheila Walsh. Nicole Johnson did some drama for us too. (I hope I'm getting things on the right days!)

During one of the small breaks I had to sneak away and get some ice cream from the UDF stand near us and some cotton candy! It was also the perfect opportunity to get some photos in of some of my great friends!

Gotta have my treats!

Me, Kelly, and Mattie

Me, Kelly, and Becki

Kelly and Becki

For lunch we got the boxed lunches again and ate on some tables near our seats. We had chicken sandwiches this time along with chips and oranges and a rice krispy treat. Lainey liked to suck on the orange.

One of the best parts of the conference was getting to hear Angie speak. She was simply amazing and she told her story so well. Like Kelly told us, she told our story too. And she really did!! You could tell she was so nervous but once she started telling Audrey's story her words just flowed and flowed so eloquently. Kelly had emailed Angie and had arranged for our group to meet her but we weren't sure when it was gonna happen so Kelly kept trying to make it happen for us.

We also got an amazing concert from Natalie Grant. She is really awesome to hear in person. I just knew too that she was gonna sing her song Held and by golly I was right. It was emotional to hear but even more emotional for me was when she started singing my favorite hymn, It Is Well With My Soul. It was just.....wow. That was totally from God because I was thinking before Natalie's concert how I would love to have sung that hymn while we were at the conference. Of course, it made me cry. And to hear so many women singing it was just chilling.

We even got a surprise performance from Laura Story with her song Blessings. That was definitely a blessing! Below is a video of her actual performance.

On the last speaker of the day the group made its way down to wait in line to get Angie's autograph. I'm so glad we left when we did because they closed the line at a certain point. But Angie had our back because she told the people looking over things to make sure the Sufficient Grace girls were in line! Thanks Angie! ;)

We were all so very excited to meet Angie. At least those of us who knew who she was and how BIG of a moment this was for anyone who has lost a child. She gives us a voice. When it was our group's turn Kelly went up to her and told her it was the Sufficient Grace group and oh man were there squeals! Angie took a few minutes for each of us and then signed books for us. She really cared for each and every one of us.

When it was my turn to go up I just happened to be breastfeeding Lainey but that didn't stop Angie! Oh no! I think it may have even made her more excited. You should've seen her face! She even asked if she could take a peek and of course I totally let her. She even said that it was the first time she ever saw a blog reader's boob. lol She is so funny!

I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it was to meet her in person and to share a little bit of our children with her. When she was signing my books I told her about how she sent me the song I Will Carry You to use at Carleigh's funeral before it was released and how much it meant to me and I thanked her from the bottom of my heart. I actually teared up telling her and so did she. She is just the sweetest ever!

I was a little sad for it to be the end of the conference already. I so wished we had another day! We had a wonderful group of ladies attend and it was a pleasure spending the weekend with them.

Erin, Mattie, Amber, and I split from Kelly's group and went to my van. (We parked in a different area.) We decided we weren't ready to call it a day yet so we decided to go out to eat at Olive Garden. We ended up staying there for like 3 hours just eating and talking. The time went by so fast. I even sampled 2 glasses of wine (my first!). For 25 cents you can't beat a sample!

After dinner we went back to Erin's house and just sat in my van talking for a while. Mattie decided she was gonna stay at Erin's for the night and then Amber and I decide to stay too since it was already 10 pm and I am not a good night time driving (I tend to fall asleep). Erin, Mattie, and I stayed up until 2 am just talking. We seriously stayed up until we couldn't stay up anymore. We were all yawning and struggling to stay away. We talked about our babies, this journey, and so much more. I wish I could sit in the same room and talk to them like that more often. Even Lainey stayed awake later than usual.

Oh gosh, the morning came too quick! I seriously wanted to keep sleeping but we had to get on the road and so did Mattie. So after some goodbyes we got on the road and on our way home. What a truly great weekend. :)

Happy Birthday May Babies

2011-05-04T20:42:00.004-04:00

♥ Remembering those babies with special days this month. ♥

Anthony ~ May 1, 2009
Bethany ~ May 3, 2009
Emily ~ May 3, 2008
Olivia ~ May 3, 2010
Beckett ~ May 4, 2009
Jenna ~ May 5, 2009
Christian ~ May 6, 2009
Kristen ~ May 7, 2009
Moira ~ May 8, 2009
Stevie ~ May 8, 2010
Eliana ~ May 9, 2009
Ella ~ May 10, 2010
Noah ~ May 10, 2009
Karinne ~ May 10, 2010
Olivia ~ May 12, 2010
Janessa ~ May 14, 2009
Iris ~ May 14, 2008
Gerardo ~ May 15, 2008
Tatum ~ May 15, 2008
Rylan ~ May 15, 2010
Shealyn ~ May 17, 2009
Duncan ~ May 19, 2009
George ~ May 19, 2009
Leila ~ May 21, 2009
Vayden ~ May 23, 2009
Jack ~ May 24, 2009
Lane ~ May 27, 2009
Joel ~ May 28, 2009
Julius ~ May 30, 2010
Wyatt ~ May 31, 2010
Ayana ~ May 31, 2009
Sophia ~ May 31, 2011

A little bit of Hawaii for me ♥

2011-05-03T14:13:00.001-04:00

I wanted to share the beautiful pictures that Lisa from Lisa’s Hawaiian Names created for my Carleigh. I don’t really share name pictures on here anymore since I put them all on the FB page, but Hawaii has always had a special place in my heart and the fact that these were written in Hawaii plus Carleigh was still with us when we made our last trip there makes these extra special to me.

You can get your child’s name written by Lisa too. Just click the button below.

Here are the pictures Lisa sent me that she took on the island of Maui. I just love the color of the sunset so much.

Along with the photos I also bought what is called an Island Keeper. They are made by an artist in Hawaii. Lisa put in my island keeper some sand from the beach where she wrote Carleigh’s name and also a dried flower, sand dollar, shell, a piece of coral, and a small green turtle. It was neat seeing all that was in there.

Thank you so much Lisa!

Angels with Christ

2011-05-03T13:48:00.001-04:00

Just wanted to share a new FB page my friend Amy and her friend created called Angels with Christ.

Its purpose is “to help out families who have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss thru God's word.”

Thinking of all the mothers

2011-05-02T10:55:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was International Babylost Mother’s Day. If you are not familiar with this day, please click the image above to learn more.

I lit a candle but didn’t do much else as I was taking it easy from a weekend that was filled with so much fun, laughter, and love at the Women of Faith conference. But I thought of all the women whose children are no longer here on this earth. We are all beautiful mothers to our children.

Hope Colored Pink

2011-04-26T13:10:00.001-04:00

My photo is up at still life 365 today. Click here to view more about this photo.

Heaven IS for real

2011-04-25T16:45:00.001-04:00

My friend Kristin sent me the book Heaven is for Real to read after I told her that I had been wanting to read it. I had seen a video about the book and it just intrigued me. I know a lot of people have a fascination with Heaven. Does it exist? What will it be like? I have read 90 Minutes In Heaven and really liked that book so I figured I would like this one too. I was wrong. I loved this one. There's just something about it being from a child's point of view that makes it that much more real.

It's hard for me to put into words overall how I feel about this book because it moved me so much. One of the parts of the book that stood out to me the most was when Colton said, "Yeah, she said she just can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven." (Referring to the sister his mom lost through miscarriage.) I have always hoped that my children know about me in Heaven and this has shown me that they do. They know about me and they love me and they can't wait until we are together again. Talk about pulling at my heartstrings!

Ever since Carleigh has been gone I have longed for Heaven in a way I never have before. I have never wondered as much about it as now. This book has given me a small glimpse into Heaven and for that I am thankful. This has definitely secured my belief that Heaven IS for real and that I can't wait to get there.

Happy Birthday April Babies

2011-04-23T08:41:00.001-04:00

♥ Happy Birthday to all the loved and missed April babies. ♥

Alex ~ April 2, 2009
Kayden ~ April 6, 2009
Audrey ~ April 7, 2008
Isaac ~ April 8, 2009
Laken ~ April 8, 2010
Kael ~ April 12, 2008
Sophie & Aiden ~ April 13, 2009
Connor ~ April 14, 2009
Camron ~ April 14, 2009
Chase ~ April 14, 2009
Cherry ~ April 14, 2010
Seth ~ April 16, 2009
Thuong ~ April 16, 2009
Lachlan ~ April 17, 2009
Jordan ~ April 17, 2010
AnnaBella ~ April 18, 2010
Rosalynn ~ April 20, 2010
Sophia & Ellie ~ April 25, 2009
Jonah ~ April 26, 2009
Ayden ~ April 27, 2009
Naomi ~ April 27, 2009
Valentina ~ April 27, 2010
Ethan ~ April 28, 2009
River ~ April 30, 2009

Remembering with laughter

2011-04-20T19:03:00.005-04:00

I am joining Mattie in remembering her son, Jakin, as his due date would have been April 21st. Jakin means "God will establish laughter" so we are sharing things that make us laugh.

This video was taken over 2 years ago. It was just days after we got Carleigh's fatal diagnosis. We were on our trip to Hawaii and it was Kyndra's first time in the ocean. She was 11 months old and I was 23 weeks along with Carleigh. Watching this video always makes me laugh.

Auction results

2011-04-12T17:52:00.014-04:00

Thanks to everyone who took part in the auction for Sufficient Grace Ministries. The auction was a success and through it we raised $2,053.25! We surpassed my original goal of $1,000 and my second goal of $2,000. Everyone seemed to have fun with the auction, including myself. I think that the auction may be an annual thing because it was such a success.

Thank you to the following people for generously donating:

Beth Martin of Beach Glass Shop
Katy Larsen of Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Jane Molle of JemSewSoft
Ivy Welch of Crafty Creations by Ivy
Kelly Frank of Kelly Joy Boutique
Caroline Croley
Emily James
Becki Burner of Floral Art
Kelly Gerken
Teresa Brown of Candy Creations
Kristi Bodey
Tutu Mommies
Shannon Amador of Strength and Courage Cards
Anonymous donor
Mattie Wells
Holly S.
Linda Putnam
Nancy Cummings
Holly Nonnemacher
Rebecca Woods
Sara Wendt
Sarah Robbins of Bouncing Baby Bows
Sue Mosquera of My Forever Child
Leigh Ann of LoveLeigh Again
Franchesca Cox of The Flourish Shop
Elissa Peterson of Elissa Peterson Photography
Lynnette Kraft
Abigail Kraft
Camille Grimshaw of Camillion Creations
Casey Doiron of Treasure Beans
April Yodock
Angela Donaldson of Angela Donaldson Photography
Rachel McConathy of Kenzington Kollections

I'm still in the process of receiving payments for the auction items. I'm also working on packaging up the items and sending them out. It's been a lot of work to put this together but totally worth it. Again, THANK YOU!!

First Butterfly

2011-04-08T17:22:00.001-04:00

Yesterday when I came home from work I saw the first butterfly this year. I just had to snap a pic of it. :)

Sufficient Grace Online Auction

2011-04-04T13:59:00.003-04:00

In just 2 days from April 6-8th I am hosting an online auction on my Caring for Carleigh FB page that will benefit Sufficient Grace Ministries. My original goal was to raise $1000 for the ministry but I have since bumped that goal up to $2000. I know that God can make anything happen so I have faith it can be done! Thank you to everyone who has generously donated an item and for those planning on participating in the auction. Your support means a lot and is very much appreciated!

I have taken the following from the Sufficient Grace Online Auction event page to give more information about the auction:

Online Auction April 6-8 to benefit Sufficient Grace Ministries.

Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women, a 501 (c ) 3 non-profit, non-denominational Christian organization, was founded in 2004 by Kelly Gerken with the purpose of reaching out to women and families to offer comfort, encouragement and hope. The Dreams of You division of this ministry was created specifically to provide comfort to women and families who have lost a ba...by through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.

Bereaved parents are never asked to pay for materials. The ministry is supported through donations from individuals, hospitals and other organizations.

The online auction will take place on the Caring for Carleigh FB page at the following link:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=190276402639&aid=336790

Items are not up for bid until April 6, but items may be viewed in the auction album beforehand. Items may continue to be added to the album up until the day of the auction.

On the day of auction (April 6th), bids can be begin to be placed at midnight and can continue to be placed until April 8 at 11:30 pm EST. You can place a bid by simply leaving a comment under the item you want to bid on. There will be no starting bids so feel free to enter a starting amount to your liking if you are the first bidder. In order to bid on items, the bidder must "like" the Caring for Carleigh FB page.

All winners will be notified in the first several days after the auction has ended. Payment is expected within 48 hours after the winner has been notified through PayPal unless other arrangements have been made. Checks and money orders can be accepted as an alternative if buyer has no PayPal account but items will not be shipped until payment is received and cleared.

We hope that you will join us for the auction and help us toward the goal of raising over $2,000 for Sufficient Grace!